The Shopping Carts of Sheridan Terrace

Sheridan Terrace is one of the country’s premier areas for the study of apartment dwelling cart collectors.

The complex successfully captures the negative images and common misconceptions of government-assisted living.

This collection features nearly 20 shopping carts imported from Bigé Lotus!, Sav – a – Loté and Brauhm’s.

The Shopping Carts of Sheridan Terrace runs through August of two-thousand-whenever.  It’s located one block north and east of 21^st and Sheridan.

Let’s take a look.  Shall we?

Letter to the Editor #25 (Jackwagon Edition)

(Written in response to Trashy Hick Town Determined to Keep Oklahoma’s Stereotype Alive.)

Dear Irritated Tulsan,

Hey you jackwagon, that is my home town. That is the school mascot in the street. I’m sure that Tulsa doesn’t have a drug problem or problem in leadership. That building and many more a rep historic to the town and won’t be torn down. I guess we should go tear all the old buildings in Rules down. I don’t know where you read about the crack, we have a meth problem, just like every town in Oklahoma. The leaders of this great city of Tingling Oklahoma are just underpaid for the task they are faced with. I’m not sure why you would make fun of any town. Just no class I guess.

Ray

The ‘Don’t Be a Slut’ Theory

Anyone who is at risk of major illnesses; such as cancer, Alzheimer’s or the crazies; can worry earlier in life thanks to home-DNA testing kits.

It’s called Identigene DNA Paternity Test Collection Kit, but it’s not really marketed for early detection.  It’s marketed for late detection.

For $29.99, you can swab the mouth of your child, the mouth of the potential baby daddy and mail the sample to a secret lab.  It’s a spit-based method for DNA identification.  This may confuse some users because spit-based methods

Dear Douche Bags at ONEOK Freedom Fest

Thank you so much for showing up for the fireworks at not only the last minute, but well into the show.  I’m glad you came out to celebrate our 235^th birthday, no matter how badly you blocked my view.  It was very inconsiderate of me to arrive early in order to get a good spot.  I now realize that if I had waited until the last minute, you and the rest of your carnie clan wouldn’t have been forced to squeeze in front of me.

Why should I complain?  I should have appreciated the view of your wife’s tan and leathery muffin top.  It was at my eye-level, after all.  I should be impressed that after having two kids, well, two that the state hasn’t taken, that her muffin top only drapes one inch below her waist line.  How fortunate that when she wears that bikini top, the mirror reflection is Katy Perry. We see the Crypt Keeper with crispy bangs.

Hearing the fireworks was good enough for me.

Actually, it wasn’t.

Grand Lake Safety Tips

The Grand River Dam Authority has warned people not to swim nor ski in Grand Lake due to an outbreak of blue-green algae.

This variety of algae is toxic.  It can cause respiratory infections, vomiting and diarrhea.  Followed by (in order) jazz hands, loss of muscular coordination, coma, death and reanimation.

Jim Inhofe believes he became ill after swimming in the lake.  I suspect it might be the other way around.

Despite the warnings, Mary Fallin encouraged lake-goers to visit the lake during the July 4th weekend.  She’s concerned about the economic impact of the water issue.  Guess what else tends to have negative impacts?  Death.

Although the holiday weekend has passed, summer has just begun.  There are several months of hot Oklahoma weather left to visit a lake that you shouldn’t swim in.  If you do go into the water, here are some helpful tips to make the outing safe and fun:

1. Learn to swim.  The swirling motion of your arms will push the blue-green algae safely to the side.
2. Unattractive swimmers should take precautions to not post Facebook photos of themselves holding a beer can while drunk.

Local School Districts Ignore Law, Sets Great Example for Students

Nice example you’re setting Jenks, Union and Broken Arrow.  Since your school districts feel that you don’t to need to follow the rules, maybe your students can decide which rules they want to follow.

Several local school districts voted against following a state law that requires public schools to provide funding for special needs students to attend private schools.

Tulsa Public Schools, Owasso and Bixby originally decided to ignore the state law, much like how I ignore the woman outside QuikTrip who needs a dollar for gas to get home so she can feed her baby, Crack.

Those districts changed their mind and are now complying with HB3393, which is odd because if it something makes sense, they tend to do the opposite.

The last I checked, school boards don’t supersede state law, the courts or the Oklahoma constitution.  I could be wrong.

Now, if you can pick and choose your rules of civic engagement, the students should be able to pick theirs.

First, students skipping school should no longer be an offense.  The U.S. frowns upon kidnapping.  No one should be held against their will.  Ask any blond

North Tulsa Grocery Store Reaches One-Year Anniversary, Tulsans Lose Bet

Much to the shock of Tulsans, Gateway Market reached its one-year anniversary Sunday.

Previously known as a “food desert,” a term coined by people who refuse to acknowledge the existence of Save-a-Lot or Justin Beiber’s vagina, North Tulsans believed they went centuries without food before the market opened.

Now, the food desert has turned into a lush landscape of American versions of Hispanic products, wide aisles to accommodate Saggers and 5 security guards for every 1 customer.

In a country where the size of many peoples waistline exceeds their IQ,

Fiddler on the Roofie

I’ve been out of the loop for a bit, but let me see if I understand this right.  Lyndsey Dawn Fiddler is the drug-addled-slut-bubble mother of a ten-day old, who was found dead in the washing machine.  Found dead after she left the room to put her infant to sleep.

And the charge is child neglect? Not manslaughter, but child neglect.

There are four types of child neglect:  Physical, Educational, Emotional and Medical.  Death is not listed as child neglect.

Is this charge due to a technicality since these needs can no longer be met?  It isn’t easy to send the deceased to school, understand their emotions, put them on your medical insurance or give them exercise … unless your name’s Bernie.

District Attorney Rick Esser said he charged Fiddler with child neglect because of the harsher sentence.  Second-degree manslaughter carries up to four-years in prison while child neglect can be a life sentence.

While the media, law enforcement and DHS work out the details of this horrific crime, I’ll focus on my personal conflict with this story … who the hell

Tulsa Tuesday: Goodbye, For Real This Time…

…For those of your who guessed it, you guessed right … I got married.

Marriage felt nice in theory, but I didn’t realize the struggle my wife Carol and I would face trying to merge our two families…

Jump over to The Lost Ogle to finish this post.