Why I Don’t Give a S*** About the Tiger Woods Story and Neither Should You
The world as we know it has come to an end. Tiger Woods cheated on his wife. A 2012-level mass hysteria has hit the streets.
The Tiger Woods story is the only allowable topic in my office. It’s as shocking as if he drowned a puppy or ate a baby. I’d swear the office gossips have an orgasm each time they play the infamous voicemail.
The first time I saw Woods’ wife, I thought to myself, “he could do better.” Apparently, he did too.
Three women, probably 10 by time I post this, have come forward claiming to be a Woods mistress. They’re the stupid ones out for a quick paycheck. Once the story dies, the media attention will end and they’ll have to go back to swinging on a pole while hearing complaints about how one of their crabs flew into a customer’s eye. Click here to continue reading
(A reader named Donald asked if I would post his letter to Tiger Woods. Always willing to publish a free post, I said, “Yes.” The following is his letter)
Tiger Woods has allegedly had an affair with Las Vegas cocktail waitress Jaimee Grubbs (and possibly the entire Dallas Cowboys cheerleading squad). I used to have a tremendous amount of respect for the greatest golfer of all time, but now I’m questioning his intelligence.
So, this is my open letter to Tiger Woods:
Dear Tiger,
You are the most recognized athlete in the world. Your reputation up until a week ago was virtually flawless. Then, you back your car into a fire hydrant and proceed to crash into a tree at 2:30 a.m. There are very few explanations for how that could happen, but you have none. Click here to continue reading
Tulsa has reached the end of Kathy Taylor’s reign. She accomplished many great things for our city, such as … um …. and, uh … um … well … her daughter hasn’t had a DUI in a while. That’s quite an accomplishment.
As time passes, we’ll know if her tenure benefitted or hurt the city. For now, many aren’t feeling the love.
Before our new mayor moves into Taylor’s luscious office, let’s count down Kathy Taylor’s Un-Greatest Moments. At the end of the list, vote for the moment you find the Un-Greatest.
10. Double Voting
Before Taylor took office, her first scandal erupted during the campaign. Did she vote twice in the 2000 Presidential election? One vote in Florida and one vote in Tulsa? She said she, “never would have intentionally voted twice,” which is equal to saying, “Is that not what you didn’t want to not do?”
9. BOK Center Wedding
Many felt that Taylor believed the best way to “show off our city to out-of-towners” was through nepotism. Her daughter planned to have her wedding at the BOK Center. After Tulsa World inquired about why the Talons’ schedule changed to accommodate the wedding, the family backed out and moved the reception to Saturn. Yes, she’s that wealthy.
I knew that Ted’s mom would win, which explains why she lost. The candidate I vote for always loses. Hillary Clinton, Mark Perkins, Paul Tay, anyone? It became a close fight between my favorite restaurant and a douche. On December 27, this month’s winner will fight for Tulsan of the Year. Who did you choose for November’s honoree?
My wife and I have been together for almost nine years now, and over the years I have developed a bit of a habit. If I am walking through our house and pass by my wife I will give her a little smack on the butt. Sometimes she will even reply with “Ooh, do it again!” I have done it so many times over the years that there are times I do not even realize that I am doing it, in a sense it has just become second nature. Last week that second nature habit almost got me in some potentially serious trouble.
Something suspicious is going on with our soon-to-be former mayor, Kathy Taylor. I haven’t put my finger on it, but either she’s moved into crazy-menopause mode or finally admitting she’s an alien.
I know, that’s ridiculous. Her juices dried decades ago.
Taylor is in full PR mode. Not just in random news stories, but in topics that put her in a favorable light. Recent stories include: (1) Taylor speaks at Street School, (2) Taylor treats Teach for America teachers to a Thanksgiving dinner in her estate and (3) Taylor hosts an event at her house with Bill Clinton.
These are the types of stories one would expect from someone who’s running for office. She’s not running for anything … or is she? I think I figured it out. It all makes sense now. Street School? Teach for America? Clinton?
Today, I may save your sex life. Your girlfriend or wife claims you please her, but you can’t be sure, until now. Forget the Kama Sutra, thousands of self-help books or 80s Prince records. I’ve wrapped everything neatly into a list of seven sex mistakes, which let you know if you’re doing it wrong.
• Too Many Farm Animals
While it’s not usual to be handcuffed to a radiator with a goat and a Columbian drug lord in the room, there is such a thing as too many farm animals. Pace yourself.
… Located on the 15th floor of the City Hall, tour groups and those who make appointments can view the huge ego collection, rewritten history and angelic photos of Tulsa’s former mayors. There will also be individual video interviews of past mayors, unless they’re dead. In that case, Wilford Brimley will step into the role …
Only four weeks left until you choose the Tulsan of the Year, but before that, November’s Tulsan of the Month must move forward.
You may notice there’s only three nominees. There’s usually four. Yeah, I slacked off a couple of weeks back and only have three honorees this month. I’m back on track, Tulsan of the Week awaits your vote. This week’s nominees are Thrill Seekers, Unfortunate Statistics, My Favorite Candy, Tradition Substitute and Community Event. Click here for that vote.
To review and vote for November’s nominees, it’s after the jump. I’ll announce the winner at the end of the week. Voting has ended. Click here for the winner.
