June’s Tulsan of the Month

It’s time for the exciting run-off among June’s winners.  Which one of these candidates is great enough to be June’s Tulsan of the Month?  The mustache, biking weather guy, hot daughter or the triatomic molecule?  The decision is yours.  Choose wisely.

The winner will be announced Friday.

Soiling Myself for CEOs

Poor Oklahoma Natural Gas CEO John Gibson.  His 2008 salary was $825,000.  Include stock awards, incentive plans, and other benefits, and his compensation only amounted to $6,751,790.  That’s a nearly pathetic 800% over his base pay.

On a side note, ONG is seeking a $66 million rate hike.

I fully support this hike.  Without increasing profits, shareholders can’t buy Hispanic housekeepers  or diamond monkeys.  We can’t expect our beloved CEOs to live on anything less than millions.  They’re not Oliver.

Bell’s Amusement Park Memories

(Last year I handed July 4 to the Toby Keith fans.  This year, I hand it to you.  Although we can no longer celebrate the 4th at Bell’s, we can still celebrate with Bell’s.  Today is an open-post of your favorite Bell’s memories.  Thank you to everyone that submitted.  The above photo is courtesy of Tom from Lost Tulsa.  Enjoy.)

• Sibling Rivalry

Favorite bell’s memory: Forcing my lil bro to get on a ride which made him cry, punch me, & scream that he hated me. Joy! -Traveling Spork

• The Perfect Date

Being absolutely terrified every time I rode the Skyline. I was positive it would plummet to the earth.  Actually, what I liked best was the haunted house ride (what was it called?). It was the perfect date ride. For 12-yr-olds. -Holly Wall

• Projectile Vomit

My grandmother projectile vomiting on the Octopus. She tried to clean it up with napkins, but they had to stop the ride. -Filmbaker

The Ferris Wheel and a Tornado

(To celebrate the 4th of July, tomorrow is an open post of your favorite Bell’s Memories.  Today, I share mine.)

“I don’t like the look of those clouds,” I said.  I looked toward my left.  Low-hanging clouds swirled above the Zingo.  Had I looked right, I would’ve seen the tornado.

April 24, 1993 started as a nice spring day.  Clear blue sky and comfortable temperatures.  By 8 p.m., tornadoes destroyed more than 100 buildings, killed 10 people and caused around $100 million in damage.

On that same day, Paula, Mark, Tasha and I attended a company picnic at Bell’s Amusement Park for Mark’s company.  Paula, Tasha and I were friends from work.  Mark was Paula’s husband.

We did the amusement park traditions:  rode all the rides, devoured more calories than is safe for any human and spent too much money on games to win crappy little toys.  After feeling nauseous from the combination of the Zingo roller coaster and a bag of cotton candy, we wanted a ride easy on the stomach.  We chose the Ferris wheel.

10 Warning Signs Sally Kern Has Really Gone Nuts

Last year, Oklahoma State Representative Sally Kern said homosexuality was a greater threat to the U.S. than terrorism.  Just when we thought Kern’s insanity had leveled off, she has urged Oklahomans to sign the “Proclamation for Morality.” Her fight is “for a national awakening of righteousness in our land.”

Some say she’s insane.  Others say her hormonal replacement therapy needs adjusting.  Either way, there are 10 Warning Signs Kern Has Really Gone Nuts:

10. Sells “Save a Horse, Stone a Jihad” T-shirts from the trunk of her car.

9. In her latest proclamation, she refers to Jeebus 82 times.

8. Had her navel pierced with a purity ring.

7. Considers Gingers the second biggest threat to national security.

6. Accused North Korea of stockpiling the gay agenda.

The Homeless Girl I Knew

(I’ve reached milestone, the 500th post.  To celebrate, I’ve decided to throw everyone off and write something sad and heartfelt.  The following post isn’t humorous, and it’s not meant to be.  It’s a true story, which happened a couple of weeks ago.  I didn’t plan to use it, but was told it showed something called “range,” whatever that is.  Besides, out of 500 posts, I’m due to share one genuine emotion.  If you’re looking for your daily does of humor, check out the All Time Top 20.  I’ll return to being ridiculous tomorrow. )

I ran into an old friend of mine yesterday.  The last time I saw her, she wasn’t panhandling for money.

I pulled into QuikTrip.  I noticed a dirty, but pretty, young girl that stood by the payphone.  She looked like a street kid.  Grey hooded sweatshirt with the hood pulled over her head, with strips of dirty blond hair that peeked out.  Light blue denim jeans.  Black canvas shoes.

I thought she looked familiar.  She looked familiar because I knew her.  A decade ago, Aimee was in my circle of friends.

Solutions for Drillers Stadium

When ONEOK Field opens next year, Midtown will be the proud home of empty stadium, well, more empty than it is now.  Empty buildings lead to increased property value, neighborhood pride and less crime. No wait, that’s full buildings.

Our fearless Tulsa county leaders formed a committee to determine what to do with Drillers Stadium once it’s empty. Since committees can spend years debating over minute details that don’t matter, they may never decide what to do.

As usual, I have a few suggestions:

10.  Free Drillers Night Seating

Anyone who has been to free Drillers night knows that Tulsa’s underbelly comes out, in all their jack-o-lantern smiling, confederate-flag T-shirt wearing, mullet glory.  By leaving the free seats where they are now, it’ll save Tulsa some embarrassment from when travelers visit ONEOK Field.

9.  World’s Largest QuikTrip

Not just a gas station and not just a convenience store.  A giant restaurant to serve only QT’s finest offerings.  “Yes.  I’ll have the Barbecue Chicken Taquito, a side of donut and a Mountain Dew on the rocks.  Make that crushed rocks.”

Mattatarian’s Food Offering of the Week (Juicy Orange Freezoni Edition)

After four hours of mowing, raking, weed eating, edging, mulching and cleaning a pond, I needed something cold and frozen.  It’s QuikTrip’s Juicy Orange Freezoni to my rescue.  QT Freezonis are no ordinary slushee, these are carbonated.  I know when you’re dehydrated you should stay away from carbonation, but like I’ve said before, sometimes you want to nourish your soul.  The best part is that all summer long these are only 69¢.  Refreshing.

Jessica Alba Visits Tulsa, Sharks Not Liberated

When I saw that Jessica Alba was in Tulsa Monday filming her new direct-to-DVD movie, The Killer Inside Me, my first thought was, “oh, porn,” followed by “I hope she doesn’t vandalize us.” Then I remembered that unlike Oklahoma City, Tulsa has sharks. We have the Oklahoma Aquarium, a possible Alba target.

Vandalism doesn’t worry me; it’s liberated sharks and Tulsa’s effect on movies. Movies filmed in Tulsa are never good. Check out UHF.

Alba’s a bigger threat to Tulsa than many realize. Since the only precaution to Alba’s visit is extra police on the movie set, I felt I should take action.

Click here to finish this post at The Lost Ogle.