All Roads Lead to Yaw Eno - Week 4

It’s the 4th week anniversary of Yaw Eno!  The drive-by edition!

Just to clarify, the following photos are examples of how the sign should be displayed.

Letter to the Editor #2

(Holy crap!  Look at Catoosa’s high temperature.)

Dear Irritated Tulsan,

I’m sure you are aware of our local weather Nazis cutting into regular programming all the time when the wind gets above 15mph or there is water on a roadway. I am interested in your take on this and what solutions you can offer.

Sincerely,
Meeciteewurkor

Dear Meeciteewurkor,

I think I have a solution that is a win-win for everyone.  It is an exchange program between the local news and the viewer.   For every minute of programming that is interrupted to tell us there is mist in the air, a cloud in the sky, the potential for dangerous storms or bowling ball sized hail, is a minute the viewer gets to interrupt the news. 

Here’s how it works:           

1)    Meteorologist warns us of deadly raindrops.

2)    Lost, The Office or any other great program is interrupted.

3)    The number of minutes is totaled and given back to the viewer.

4)    Each viewer can cash in their minutes and interrupt the news.

So let’s say KTUL cuts into Lost and 50,000 people were watching.  Lost is on for one hour.  Each viewer can now reclaim those minutes and interrupt KTUL’s news broadcast.  Sixty minutes per person would total 3 million minutes owed to the viewer.  That equals 273 weeks we’re allowed to interrupt the news.  A little more than five years.  (If we only count the 10 p.m. broadcast.)

When I redeem my minutes, I’m going to broadcast strip poker from a nursing home or shaving my back with a lid from a tuna can.  I can’t think of anything more painful to watch than 300 photos of ice or the floating space weather desk on FOX 23.

I would also like to help Toby Keith pen a new protest song called, “Broken Weather, Angry Rain.”

Print-and-Go Cards for Disgruntled Drivers

     Road rage isn’t limited to roads.  Sometimes, drivers are more irritating once they park.  Below are print-and-go cards for you to use.  The next time you’re in a parking lot and annoyed at any of the situations below, place one of these under their windshield wiper:

(For the person who takes two parking spaces.)

 

(For the person who parks in the disabled parking spots.)

 

(For the person who parks wherever they damn well please.)

Mattel to Manufacture Lead-Tainted Toys

(Fake News.  Satire.)

     To reverse declining sales, Mattel plans to manufacture a line of lead-produced toys.

     The new line of toys, called Saturnism, will be made of 100 percent lead.

     Mattel recalled more than 20 million toys in 2007 because of lead paint.

     “Since we’re being upfront and honest about this line of toys, there won’t be any recalls,” said Mario Q. Bert, Mattel CEO.

     Planned toys include:  Lead Patch Kids, Magic Lead Ball, Toxicity-in-a-Box, Doremic the Anemic, Leadgo and American Girl: The Renal Failure Collection.

     “We originally considered marketing these products to disabled children,” Bert said. “We figured lead toys couldn’t make them any worse.”

     According to information leader Wikipedia, lead can cause nausea, abdominal pain, irritability, insomnia, metal taste in mouth, excess lethargy, hyperactivity, headache, seizure, coma, constipation, diarrhea, vomiting, poor appetite, weight loss, anemia and blue lines along the gums.

     Parents are unsure about the benefits of the Saturnism line.

     “On one hand, I praise their honesty,” said Dakota Preston, mother.  “On the other hand I worry about the effects of lead on my children.  On my third hand, I realize lead never hurt me growing up.”

     The Saturnism line will be in stores this fall.  Look for the “Saturnism” sticker on the boxes.

     “Lead has gotten a bad rap in the media lately,” Bert said.  “We want to make lead fun again.”

Judge Harris Faces Limp Competition

   

           Tulsa County District Judge Jesse Harris has been charged with two counts of indecent exposure.

            According to Harris’ ex-girlfriend, Kali Nolen, Harris opened his bible belt and released his anaconda.

            This breed of anaconda is a member of the trouser snake.  It prefers warm moist environments and can stretch up to 10 inches when fully erect.

            Anacondas enjoy eating fish.  They stretch their mouths around the head, swallow and work toward the feet.

            Once you’ve tasted, felt and used an anaconda, can it really be indecent exposure for you to see it again?  Isn’t this along the line as those people who sue McDonald’s for being fat?

            Once you’ve swallowed the product, you’re stuck with the consequences.

            The real indecency here is to cry victim after three-years of cave dwelling.  I doubt seeing your ex-boyfriend’s snake is traumatic, unless it is so huge your cave now has post-traumatic stress disorder.

            If anyone should be upset, it should be Judge Donald “Penis Pump” Thompson.  If your unit is named “anaconda,” you’re most likely hung.  If you use a penis pump, you most likely need help in the meat department.

            One man’s legacy:  Hung.  Another man’s legacy:  Sad.

            If I were Harris, I’d watch my back.  Thompson was released Tuesday.

            He may have a bone to pick with you.

All Roads Lead to Yaw Eno - Week 3

I can’t decide if this getting funnier, or more sad.

 

Joking Blogger Angers Obsessed Toby Keith Fan, Rest of World Gets Joke

(Available at Shirts by Barbara.)

Apparently, not everyone appreciates my jab at Toby Keith. I’ve talked about white-trash at Wal-Mart, fisting against abuse and polygamist reality shows.  Toby Keith is a natural fit.  Read below:

That is really very unkind putting it midly! VERY VERY poor taste! Glad I don’t read this paper.

barbpj@sbcglobal.net

Dear Barbara,

Since you obviously lack a sense of humor, I’m also glad you don’t read this paper.  And by the way, this isn’t a paper.  This is called a blog.  And that glowing box the letters are coming from, is called a monitor. I suppose I shouldn’t expect anyone who gradeated, or at least bought, Honkytonk University to understand the purdee glowin’ box.

Thank you for writing in,
Irritated Tulsan

Everyone else who got the joke:

Stephen wrote, “I think you have a great idea…….Toby Keith….what an arrogant ass that guy is!”  

True, Stephen.  So true.

Blakewl said, “Best blog I’ve read in a while. You really are a talented writer, presenter and visual arts expert. You must have had excellent professors and peers. Keep up the GOOD WORK, Irritated Tulsan! Go F**K yourself, San Diego.”

Blake obviously has great taste in literature, and knows a talented artist when he sees one.  And by the way, I have awesome peers.  Two in particular.

And finally, I think Amy summed it up best, “I agree with Barbara. If I saw a 50-foot Toby Keith I would be very offended as well. Barbara, thanks for standing up for the overly-nationalistic, red-neck multi-millionaire. You’ve got guts. Oh and by the way, since you don’t seem to pick up on this subtlety, THIS IS SARCASM!”

Well put Amy.

 

 

Slow for the Toby Zone

     California Department of Transportation runs a campaign called “Slow for the Cone Zone.”  It is a public awareness campaign to lower the number of collisions in construction zones.

     Oklahoma Department of Transportation has started a similar campaign cleverly titled “Slow for the Cone Zone.”  Fifty-three ODOT workers have been killed because of work zone accidents.

     Could we not come up with a better campaign?

     There is an alternative to the “Slow for the Cone Zone” campaign that Oklahomans would understand, and slow down for.  It’s called for “Slow for the Toby Zone.”

     Instead of small “Slow for the Cone Zone” signs that nobody will pay attention to, what we need is a 50-feet tall cutout of Toby Keith’s head. 

     The head could be placed on the lanes next to the construction zone and drivers must drive through the mouth of Toby Keith.

     Once inside the mouth, drivers will travel down a long tunnel to the frightening brain of Toby Keith:

     Some of the features of “Slow for the Toby Zone” would be:

     1)    Horses drinking beer.

     2)    Angry Americans.

     3)    A picture window of people eating in Toby Keith’s I Love this Bar & Grill restaurant.    

     4)    A drunk Whiskey Girl, with no teeth.

     5)    An audio clip of “I Wanna Talk About Me,” skipping like a broken record.  “I wanna talk about meh-I      wanna talk about meh-I wanna talk about meh-I wanna talk about meh.”

     6)    A giant oil painting of Toby Keith on a fur rug saying, “Who’s Your Daddy?”

     7)    And finally, Natalie Maines of the Dixie Chicks will sign autographed copies of her FUTK (Friends United in Truth and Kindness) fashion line.

     The Shock’n Y’all value of Toby Keith’s mind will force drivers to slow down.  It could also encourage drivers to find alternate routes and stay away from construction zones.

     Construction crews are safe, and we avoid Toby Keith’s mind.

     Everyone wins.

Mommy is Aging and Doesn’t Give a F#@!

            

            When Botox first hit the market, I lived with it. Anyone who injects poison in their face deserves to look like an expressionless alien. 

            The frozen forehead look goes perfect with swollen lips; unnaturally smooth skin, 50-year-old perky breasts and flat stomachs with missing navels.

            Then anal-bleaching arrived.  Fine.  Burn the outer layer of flesh off your anus.  I don’t care.

            Now I hear about the children’s book, “My Beautiful Mommy.”

            Dr. Michael Salzhauer, Florida plastic surgeon, wrote the book to explain to children that it is perfectly natural to cut and rearrange your body to fit in social norms.

            We have become obsessed with cosmetic surgery to the point where children’s books are written to explain Mommy’s new vagina.

            How about a realistic book titled, “Mommy is Aging and Doesn’t Give a F#@! What Anyone Thinks, Now Go Clean Your Room.” 

            That’s a book I would read

            What’s next?  Bacne (back acne) transplant?  Nothing screams youth like acne.  Next time one of those zits pops on your back, have your plastic surgeon move it to your face.

            How about pube straightening?  Give you lover a soft cushion to lay their face on when they go down on you.   

            What you need to do is called lowering your standards.

            Don’t waste your time and money on products that will never attract your Brad Pitt.  Seek out the 500-pound, sweaty man, with four inches of back hair poking out of the neck of his shirt. 

            When you finally meet that average looking guy, you’ve won because he’s above your new low standard.

            If you resort to Botox, anal-bleach, breast lifts, tummy tucks, bacne transplants and pube straightening, you’re obviously too self-conscious about your looks.  That is what turns most people off, lack of self-worth. 

            There is nothing more unattractive than a person who mopes around and can’t figure out why nobody loves them.

            Want to know why nobody loves you?  You whine too much.           

            Save your money, stay in your league and accept yourself for the ugly mess that you are …  unless you’re F#@!ing rich. 

Dear Brad Henry

     The state of Oklahoma voted for Clinton in the primary election, but our governor decided we’re not smart enough to make out own decisions and cast his vote for Obama.

     I, along with the dozens of other voters that turned out for the primary, would like to say, “Thank you jackass.”

     After years of dedicated voting, your actions finally taught me something I’ve been told for years, my vote doesn’t count.  At least not this time.

     I’m that annoying friend that says, “It’s important to vote,” “Exercise your rights,” and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

     I’m also that person that votes at 7 a.m. just for the “I voted” sticker.  I wear it all day.

     Now in my friends’ eyes, I look like an idiot.

     I have always believed I was fortunate enough to live in a country where I had a say in the government.  But nooooooooo, you had to come along and change that.

     If I knew no matter how I voted you had already made a decision, I would have focused my attention on something more important, American Idol.  At least my vote counts there.

     Who do you think was responsible for Sanjaya?

     That’s right, I voted for him.  Each week.  And the week I didn’t vote, he lost.  My voted counted there.  What am I suppose to now?  I haven’t even watched this season.  It’s too late to catch up.

     Maybe you are on to something.  Maybe we’re not smart enough to make our own decisions. 

     After all, we did vote for you.