You’ve had dinner. Sent flowers. Mailed cards. Bought chocolates. Now, it’s time for the nightcap.
Something’s wrong though.
Things haven’t clicked, you found out your that Craigslist date just turned 12, or you’ve been married too long. Whatever the reason, you don’t want to feed the dog a bone.
It’s usually obligatory to consummate the holiday dedicated to love, but not this time. This Valentine’s Day, you’ll be prepared. You’ll have your reasons not to put out:
• Extra Appendages
Tell your date that you’re really looking forward to testing out your genitals since the doctor removed the extra one. Explain that you’ve never had that much room in your underwear before and now it’s less musky.
Holy crap! This house, the one hidden in the rustic Midtown Tulsa forest, used nearly 4.1 million gallons of water in one year.
During a slow news days, Tulsa World investigated Tulsa’s top water users. Anthony Lauinger’s 2.5 acre property topped the list. They also gave his address, which is 1923 E. 47th St., for those who wish to drive by and glare.
Thank you to everyone who entered. If I was a multi-millionaire or a criminal with access to quick cash, I’d buy everyone a copy. Unfortunately, I’m not. If I had millions, I wouldn’t be here right now anyway. I’d be sitting on my private tropical island with Amy Sedaris, Lady Gaga and David Letterman. Each nigh we’d pretend I was Letterman’s first guest, followed by Sedaris. Lady Gaga would be the musical guest. After each “taping” we’d sit around the campfire and read The Hard-Style Adventures of Rake Smith.
Now, for the winner…
One of these nominees did not belong. It’s the nominee least likely to have meth face or be a crack addict. You’re still right, it’s Fisheepoo. I wanted him, uh her, well, it…to win. How do you tell the sex of a fish?
Did Fisheepoo pull enough votes to become the first Tulsan of the Month for 2010? Did Man Woman or Gateway Market fry the little guy, uh girl, well, it?
Find out after the jump.
During “Ice-Storm 2010,” at least that is what the over-dramatic weathermen here in OKC called it; while driving on the ice-covered roads I had the misfortune of colliding into an inanimate object with my vehicle.
Don’t worry, no major bones broken, just a few really ugly bruises. I have to wear a brace and an ace bandage for the next couple of weeks. After assessing my injuries, my doctor felt it was necessary to prescribe medication to help relieve the excruciating pain.
For more than a year, I posted my QuikTrip offerings on Tuesday. Then, I slacked off. I thought I had sampled everything. I planned to stop, but by popular demand, it’s back.
Tasha from Tasha Does Tulsa posted,
I LOVE Mattatarian’s Food Offering of the Week! Post more, post more.
Well, Tasha, it’s back. This week it’s on Wednesday. Next week, it’ll move to Saturday. Why? One, readers are out enjoying themselves on the weekend and more likely to need a quick delicious QT treat. Two, it’ll give you a reason to live on Saturday.
Finally, something to look forward to on the weekend.
This week’s offering looks like a standard hot dog, but it’s actually polish sausage. Inside is melted cheese. I’m glad I started this up again because this is one of my favorites. The cheese added so much flavor, I didn’t need to include mustard, onion or relish. They’re two for $2 or $1.19 each. Forget Dollar Menu, try something with flavor. Cheesytastical.
Rake Smith is a revenge-seeking serial killer driving from Texas to South Dakota on a crime spree, who just happens to look good 100 percent of the time. In his book The Hard-Style Adventures of Rake Smith: A Masterpiece and a Trilogy (minus one), Smith gives an autobiographical account of his murders, women and travels. He also provides helpful tips to escape any hostage situation.
I’m guessing it’s a children’s book.
I read it. I enjoyed it. Now you and your family can enjoy it too. Here’s how:
In ten words or less, tell me what you would do, hard-style, to win the book. Post it in the comments section. Whoever makes me laugh aloud the loudest wins an autographed copy of the book, autographed by the famous Rake Smith. If you’re someone who eats while they read, I’ll toss in a box of Rice-a-Roni.
If you’re painfully boring and your friends don’t have the heart to tell you you’re not funny, or you’re normally a loser at contests, you can buy a copy at www.rakesmith.com. I recommend it. It is the best Rake Smith book I’ve ever read.
Make me laugh … hard-style. You’ll get that joke once you read the book.
I’ll announce the winner Monday, February 8. Just in time for a re-gifted Valentine’s present. The contest is almost over. I need your help deciding who the winner is. Click here to vote.
The parents of a child at Union Elementary School wanted to ban a children’s book because it alluded to a same-sex couple.
Buster, the cousin of Arthur, visited Vermont to learn how maple syrup is made. He discovered syrup isn’t made from…
One of these nominees do not belong. You’re right, it’s the fish. Fisheepoo was the closest-to-human winner you voted for Tulsan of the Week. Can Fisheepoo win Tulsan of the Month? I think so, but the choice is yours.
Also, don’t forget to vote for Tulsan of the Week. I included a poem. How artsy.
I’ll announce the winner for both on Friday. The votes are counted and we have a winner. Click here to find out who won.
