University of Tulsa Announces Plans To Expand To Jenks

(Fake News Article.  Satire.)  

            After successfully consuming the north side of 11^th Street between Harvard and Delaware, the University of Tulsa announced plans Wednesday to expand to Jenks.

            T.U. destroyed businesses such as Metro Diner, and forced other businesses to move, in order to create a new front door for the campus. 

            T.U.’s previous front door, off Delaware, faced homeless people, drug dealers and baby mommas.

            The expansion will extend T.U. from 11^th Street to 91^st Street, creating a nine-mile long front door.

            The current front door faces 11^th Street.

            “It’s only natural that we would want to expand to Jenks,” said Upman Steadum, T.U. President.  “That is where most of the growth is.  Also, 11^th Street isn’t very pretty.”

            Steadum said most of the student body considers North Tulsa to start at 61^st Street.            Many students had never traveled to this area of town.

            “It can be frightening for our elite,” Steadum said.  “They are here to learn.  We don’t need the distraction of a selfish homeless person asking for food.  A longer campus will alleviate their fears.”

            Southern Hills Country Club and Kmart are among the businesses that will be forced to move.

            “In order to continue to grow, we must move toward progress,” Steadum said.  “Progress, as in where there are no poor people.”

            The Broken Arrow Expressway and I-44 will also be forced to relocate.

            “Who wants their front door facing a highway?” Steadum said. 

            “That’s what we’ve been saying for years,” said Annie Carbolowitz, a Tulsan whose front door faces I-44 because of the highway expansion.

            Tulsans in T.U’s path, will have four-days to relocate. 

            The Oklahoma Department of Transportation said they have no concept of time and don’t know when highway reconstruction will begin.