Vacation

Taking a three-day weekend off.  I’ll be back Monday.  Until then, enjoy these posts.  These are the top five of all time.  Notice where Toby Keith is:

1)  Slow for the Toby Zone
2)  How Wal-Mart Raped My Soul
3)  Who Wants To Marry a Polygamist?
4)  HB 1084, The Forgotten Issue
5)  Letter to the Editor #2

See you next week.

All Roads Lead to Yaw Eno - Week 5 (Late Night Edition)

The beauty of Yaw Eno at night. Notice the reflective brilliance.

Letter to the Editor #3

if you need to rant and rave about the troubles of the world and sinceyou have serious anger issues, maybe you should get some professional help. yes, wal-mart isnt the most sanitary place in the world, but if its a problem, why are you going there??? and your stabs at toby keith are cheap shots — its not like he waves his fame around in peoples faces. in fact he goes overseas to entertain american troops while they serve to protect this country, the people in it, and even your ungrateful ass!!!!! i don’t know who the hell said you were a great writer but they’re fucking liars!!! there’s a difference between real literature writing and your slopping, insulting blog piece of shit!!! Go ahead and write about me leaving this comment because your shitty ass writing is inmaterial to me!!!!!

locard24

Oh yeah.  Well you’re a poopy-pants.

Signed,
Irritated Tulsan

 

Brad’ll Do It

            Governor Brad Henry toured the damage from the town of Picher from Saturday’s tornadoes. 

            Because that is what makes everything ok, a tour from the governor.

            If a tornado transformed my house into a pile of mulch, turned my car upside down and my cat was in a tree with a branch through its chest, that is exactly what I would want to see … the governor, a helicopter and what used to be my home.

            My concern wouldn’t be food, water or shelter; it would be helping Henry with a good photo-op.

            Then why not kick me while I’m down?  Send in Kristen Glover.

            For those who do not live in or near Tulsa, Kristen Glover is the daughter of car dealer, Jim Glover.  He is the marketing genius that pimps his gorgeous daughter out to sell more cars with the catchy phrase, “Dad’ll Do It.”

            That would make me feel even better … Kristen, a helicopter and what used to be my home.

            I can hear the commercial now:

            “Kristen Glover here for Jim Glover Dodge.  May is Picher tornado awareness month.  For every cat you pluck out of a tree, we will knock $100 off a new car.  I-44 and Memorial, where dad’ll do it!”

            Not to be outdone by Kristen, Henry will jump with his own commercial:

            “Brad Henry here for the State of Oklahoma.  May is Picher tornado awareness month.  For every house that was destroyed, I will personally tour the destruction and hug every resident. I will also give $200 off a new car.  Take that bitches!  Brad’ll do it!”

            Henry said the devastation is “mind-boggling.”

            What is mind-boggling is how government officials believe their mere presence is what victims need.

            No.  What they need is food, water and other resources.

            Governor Brad Henry, Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff, FEMA Administrator David Paulison, Senator Jim Inhofe, Congressman Dan Boren and the EPA are all touring Picher.

            Good Lord.  Haven’t they been through enough already? 

The Death of SB 163

            As I walk through any typical American store, I hear many languages that I don’t recognize.  One of those languages is English. 

            I hear one man say, “Man, her children eat like nothing.”

            I don’t understand.  Does he mean the children starve, or eat like pigs? 

            I’m sure the answer differs among races.

            I hear another person on their cell phone ask if “Shawty” is home.  The word “Shawty” sounds like a person that you are planning to shoot.  Is a serious crime about to be committed?  I shake my head.

            I glance down and see the screen of someone’s iPhone.  They’ve received a text message that reads, “Watz rong W en r-o-l-f-l-m-a-o.”  I don’t know what that means either.  I’m really confused now.

            The Oklahoma Senate planned to send SB 163, the “English as the Official Language of Oklahoma” bill, to a vote of the people.  If passed, we would have joined 30 others states that have English as their official language.

            The senate sent the bill to a conference committee, which killed the bill for this year.  The vote was 25-23. 

            In the “no” corner, 24 democrats and one republican.  In the “yes” corner, 23 republicans.  Those who voted against the bill said that they were not against the bill, but the bill was flawed.

            I think the real reason the bill is viewed as flawed is because we don’t understand English ourselves.

            Look at text messaging.  “watz rong W en” is not English.  If you have to use a translator to decipher the code, it’s another language.

            What about computer geek chat? When someone talks codes, voips, gips, watchamcalits and thingybobs, most people have no idea what they are talking about.  Computer talk is not English.  It is painful.

            And how about those people that overuse “like” and “you know what I’m sayin’?”  Technically these words are English, but like annoying. 

            Speaking of sayins’, “Shawty,” “Bling,” “Sagging,” and “Frontin’,” would probably have been outlawed as well, mainly because the person who drafted the bill, Randy Terrill (R-Moore), is beyond the age group that understands current slang.  Terrill also drafted HB 1804.

            If the bill were to have passed, what would we have called the state?  Would the use of the word “Oklahoma” have been illegal?

           Oklahoma is a Choctaw word, not English. 

           Critics call Terrill a racist, but he says he is just doing what the tax payers expect him to do … well, at least the legal taxpayers.  The illegal taxpayers were not available for comment.

            However, I think Terrill might be frontin’.  You know what I’m sayin’ boo?  

IronVadge

Happy Mother’s Day.

I’m sure my mother is proud.

(Michelle Duggar is pregnant with her 18th child.)

Cut, Activate, Add to Bridge

            Bridges in Oklahoma have been neglected to the point that you would think DHS was in charge of our roads.

            That is not the case.  DHS neglects children, not bridges.  ODOT can at least claim fewer children deaths.

            To take a trip on any Tulsa highway is to take a trip to a wonderful land of ingenuity. 

           On one bridge you will see the beautiful blue tarps that gently capture the falling pieces of concrete.  On another bridge, you will find the silver metallic glory of chicken wire.  No need for tarps on that bridge.  The concrete pieces are large enough to be held with chicken wire.

            According to the Oklahoma Department of Transportation, I-244 bridge over the Arkansas River has a lower rating than the bridge that collapsed in Minneapolis.

            ODOT Director, Gary Ridley, said replacing or rehabilitating the bridge should not start until after the widening of I-44 is finished in 2013.

            In government years, 2013 translates to 2146.

            Until then, it’s time to bring in the next level of ingenuity … Billy Mays.

            Billy Mays is the infomercial salesperson that has made millions screaming out of your television sets.  You may know his work from the catchphrases:   “Hi Billy Mays here for Oxyclean,” “Hi Billy Mays here for Orange Glow,” or “Hi Billy Mays here for Self Abortion Kits.”

            Ok, I made the last one up.  Mays has a huge following, and I don’t want his fans going all Toby Keith on me.  The last thing I need is someone to be upset because I’ve insulted their masturbation material.  His MySpace fan club page does have 37 members.

            One of the more recent products Mays has pushed is Mighty Putty.  It is a substance that can be used to seal leaks, cracks and other repairs.

            I believe bridges fall under “other repairs.”

            The Mighty Putty Web site lists the surfaces Mighty Putty will work on, which includes concrete.  “CONCRETE” is listed in all caps.  How can it not work?

            It is simple.  Cut, activate and add to bridge.

            If Mighty Putty can pull an 80,000-pound trailer, it can fix our bridges.   Plus, if we order now, we can get a bottle of Oxyclean for free.  It can be used to remove graffiti.

            The only catch is, Mighty Putty costs $19.99.  There is nowhere in the budget for that kind of money. 

            A bond will be passed and property taxes will increase 50 percent.

All Roads Lead to Yaw Eno - Week 4

It’s the 4th week anniversary of Yaw Eno!  The drive-by edition!

Just to clarify, the following photos are examples of how the sign should be displayed.

Letter to the Editor #2

(Holy crap!  Look at Catoosa’s high temperature.)

Dear Irritated Tulsan,

I’m sure you are aware of our local weather Nazis cutting into regular programming all the time when the wind gets above 15mph or there is water on a roadway. I am interested in your take on this and what solutions you can offer.

Sincerely,
Meeciteewurkor

Dear Meeciteewurkor,

I think I have a solution that is a win-win for everyone.  It is an exchange program between the local news and the viewer.   For every minute of programming that is interrupted to tell us there is mist in the air, a cloud in the sky, the potential for dangerous storms or bowling ball sized hail, is a minute the viewer gets to interrupt the news. 

Here’

s how it works:           

1)    Meteorologist warns us of deadly raindrops.

2)    Lost, The Office or any other great program is interrupted.

3)    The number of minutes is totaled and given back to the viewer.

4)    Each viewer can cash in their minutes and interrupt the news.

So let’s say KTUL cuts into Lost and 50,000 people were watching.  Lost is on for one hour.  Each viewer can now reclaim those minutes and interrupt KTUL’s news broadcast.  Sixty minutes per person would total 3 million minutes owed to the viewer.  That equals 273 weeks we’

re allowed to interrupt the news.  A little more than five years.  (If we only count the 10 p.m. broadcast.)

When I redeem my minutes, I’m going to broadcast strip poker from a nursing home or shaving my back with a lid from a tuna can.  I can’

t think of anything more painful to watch than 300 photos of ice or the floating space weather desk on FOX 23.

I would also like to help Toby Keith pen a new protest song called, “Broken Weather, Angry Rain.”

(Disclaimer - The only exception to this proposal is during a tornado.  I need my Julie Chin to let me know everything will be fine.)

 

Print-and-Go Cards for Disgruntled Drivers

     Road rage isn’t limited to roads.  Sometimes, drivers are more irritating once they park.  Below are print-and-go cards for you to use.  The next time you’re in a parking lot and annoyed at any of the situations below, place one of these under their windshield wiper:

(For the person who takes two parking spaces.)

 

(For the person who parks in the disabled parking spots.)

 

(For the person who parks wherever they damn well please.)

Mattel to Manufacture Lead-Tainted Toys

(Fake News.  Satire.)

     To reverse declining sales, Mattel plans to manufacture a line of lead-produced toys.

     The new line of toys, called Saturnism, will be made of 100 percent lead.

     Mattel recalled more than 20 million toys in 2007 because of lead paint.

     “Since we’re being upfront and honest about this line of toys, there won’t be any recalls,” said Mario Q. Bert, Mattel CEO.

     Planned toys include:  Lead Patch Kids, Magic Lead Ball, Toxicity-in-a-Box, Doremic the Anemic, Leadgo and American Girl: The Renal Failure Collection.

     “We originally considered marketing these products to disabled children,” Bert said. “We figured lead toys couldn’t make them any worse.”

     According to information leader Wikipedia, lead can cause nausea, abdominal pain, irritability, insomnia, metal taste in mouth, excess lethargy, hyperactivity, headache, seizure, coma, constipation, diarrhea, vomiting, poor appetite, weight loss, anemia and blue lines along the gums.

     Parents are unsure about the benefits of the Saturnism line.

     “On one hand, I praise their honesty,” said Dakota Preston, mother.  “On the other hand I worry about the effects of lead on my children.  On my third hand, I realize lead never hurt me growing up.”

     The Saturnism line will be in stores this fall.  Look for the “Saturnism” sticker on the boxes.

     “Lead has gotten a bad rap in the media lately,” Bert said.  “We want to make lead fun again.”