Mattel to Manufacture Lead-Tainted Toys

(Fake News.  Satire.)

     To reverse declining sales, Mattel plans to manufacture a line of lead-produced toys.

     The new line of toys, called Saturnism, will be made of 100 percent lead.

     Mattel recalled more than 20 million toys in 2007 because of lead paint.

     “Since we’re being upfront and honest about this line of toys, there won’t be any recalls,” said Mario Q. Bert, Mattel CEO.

     Planned toys include:  Lead Patch Kids, Magic Lead Ball, Toxicity-in-a-Box, Doremic the Anemic, Leadgo and American Girl: The Renal Failure Collection.

     “We originally considered marketing these products to disabled children,” Bert said. “We figured lead toys couldn’t make them any worse.”

     According to information leader Wikipedia, lead can cause nausea, abdominal pain, irritability, insomnia, metal taste in mouth, excess lethargy, hyperactivity, headache, seizure, coma, constipation, diarrhea, vomiting, poor appetite, weight loss, anemia and blue lines along the gums.

     Parents are unsure about the benefits of the Saturnism line.

     “On one hand, I praise their honesty,” said Dakota Preston, mother.  “On the other hand I worry about the effects of lead on my children.  On my third hand, I realize lead never hurt me growing up.”

     The Saturnism line will be in stores this fall.  Look for the “Saturnism” sticker on the boxes.

     “Lead has gotten a bad rap in the media lately,” Bert said.  “We want to make lead fun again.”