Cut, Activate, Add to Bridge

            Bridges in Oklahoma have been neglected to the point that you would think DHS was in charge of our roads.

            That is not the case.  DHS neglects children, not bridges.  ODOT can at least claim fewer children deaths.

            To take a trip on any Tulsa highway is to take a trip to a wonderful land of ingenuity. 

           On one bridge you will see the beautiful blue tarps that gently capture the falling pieces of concrete.  On another bridge, you will find the silver metallic glory of chicken wire.  No need for tarps on that bridge.  The concrete pieces are large enough to be held with chicken wire.

            According to the Oklahoma Department of Transportation, I-244 bridge over the Arkansas River has a lower rating than the bridge that collapsed in Minneapolis.

            ODOT Director, Gary Ridley, said replacing or rehabilitating the bridge should not start until after the widening of I-44 is finished in 2013.

            In government years, 2013 translates to 2146.

            Until then, it’s time to bring in the next level of ingenuity … Billy Mays.

            Billy Mays is the infomercial salesperson that has made millions screaming out of your television sets.  You may know his work from the catchphrases:   “Hi Billy Mays here for Oxyclean,” “Hi Billy Mays here for Orange Glow,” or “Hi Billy Mays here for Self Abortion Kits.”

            Ok, I made the last one up.  Mays has a huge following, and I don’t want his fans going all Toby Keith on me.  The last thing I need is someone to be upset because I’ve insulted their masturbation material.  His MySpace fan club page does have 37 members.

            One of the more recent products Mays has pushed is Mighty Putty.  It is a substance that can be used to seal leaks, cracks and other repairs.

            I believe bridges fall under “other repairs.”

            The Mighty Putty Web site lists the surfaces Mighty Putty will work on, which includes concrete.  “CONCRETE” is listed in all caps.  How can it not work?

            It is simple.  Cut, activate and add to bridge.

            If Mighty Putty can pull an 80,000-pound trailer, it can fix our bridges.   Plus, if we order now, we can get a bottle of Oxyclean for free.  It can be used to remove graffiti.

            The only catch is, Mighty Putty costs $19.99.  There is nowhere in the budget for that kind of money. 

            A bond will be passed and property taxes will increase 50 percent.