Dear Irritated Tulsan,
I want to share a deep dark secret with you. I have met Toby Keith. I realize that there are people out there that will envy me for this, possibly even dream of being me. However, before you start fantasizing about a horrific moment from my past, please wait. This hellish moment takes place in 1993, back when Toby was still dreaming of being a cowboy.
His mullet was as big and poofy as his ego, trust me I saw it with my own eyes. My vision has not been the same since. It was the first time I had ever seen a mullet that was feathered back, think Billy Ray Cyrus meets Farrah Fawcett. Okay enough of that or I will start having the nightmares again.
I did freelance art for a company here in Oklahoma City that had been commissioned to do t-shirts his first tour. This is back when he was opening for Garth Brooks, “Roping the Wind” tour. After getting my assignment and required reference material, I went home and began to drink heavily. I felt as though I was selling my soul by taking on this assignment, after all I have always had a deep loathing hatred for all things country, or as my dad always called it “country & western”.
Once I had ran out of intoxicating beverages, I somehow managed to work up the courage to put ink to paper and create the graphic design that I commissioned to do. The next day I met Toby and his agent so that I could get their approval and payment for the unholy work that I had done.
I don’t remember much from that afternoon, other than Toby saying “I wanna talk about me,” no really, this guy was in love with himself; it was me, me, me nonstop, this guy was impossible to please. I honestly thought he was one of those guys that had a photo of themselves they kissed each night before crawled into bed all alone, because no one could ever love them like they love themselves. Eww, that just sounds really, really wrong now that I think about it.
To wrap up this traumatic story, I got my mere pittance of $40 and the autographed photo that Toby’s agent thought I needed, and then went on my way. I went home and began to drink away the remainder of the day, hoping to purge the experience.
During the liquid cleansing of my soul I found a very practical use for the photo of Toby Keith, it made a great coaster. Thank you for letting me share this harrowing moment of my life with you.
As for any of the loyal Toby fans that somehow find their way to your page, I have only one question for them…………How do you like me now?
Signed,
Stephen Kyle
Dear Stephen Kyle,
It is very brave of you to come forward, especially since most of his fans are married lonely menopausal overly sensitive touchy beer drinkin’ women.
There aren’t too many people that will admit Toby Keith leads to heavy drinking. Since you’ve had the courage to come forward, hopefully others will too.
My readers, the sane ones, will appreciate your story. I could probably sandpaper my eyeballs off or run my testicles through a paper shredder, and still not feel nearly as much pain as you did.
My heart goes out to you, your family and the night terrors they must endure. Congratulations on your recovery.
If any loyal Toby Keith fans do find their way to my page, you will get your answer.
Signed,
Irritated Tulsan
P.S. I recently visited with Toby Keith’s Spirit Guide. Click here to see how that went.
June 9, 2008 at 6:59 pm |
Opening up to you and sharing the pain has helped, thank you being there.
June 9, 2008 at 10:07 pm |
I am a HUGE Toby Keith fan. I am there to be entertained, not trying to get next to him. He is an entertainer and that is what he does. His fans are all ages and not all of us are beer drinkers, I don’t drink at all. And excuse me but MOST of his fans may be married but are NOT LONELY. Ask their husbands, they get the reward from their wives seeing Toby. Maybe you should let your wife see him, you might get a little more action from her.
June 9, 2008 at 11:31 pm |
You two are the ass end of your own jokes. You aren’t worth the sweat off Toby’s brow.
June 10, 2008 at 4:00 am |
I have seen Toby’s recent song video, which is something like “Love Me If you Can, I’m just like Jesus’
So, I was searching to see if anyone else thought Toby was as funny as I do. Your blog cracked me up!
June 10, 2008 at 8:23 am |
Mill,
Don’t forget, “I Got Me Babe,” “I Long to Be (Close to Me)” and “I Touch Myself.”
June 10, 2008 at 11:32 am |
I think Toby has his own record company, right? So he has no filter for his stuff.
If he had to go through another person’s record company, they might say “Dude, this song is weird and it sounds like you are comparing yourself to Jesus, and what is this about?”
I have a very conservative friend in Texas (he loves to play Lee Greenwood stuff and gets all schmaltzy). He doesn’t get Toby either. He is the one who called me and told me to watch the latest song video “Love Me and Jesus If Can”.
June 11, 2008 at 8:02 pm |
Leave beer out of this. And by beer, I mean real beer. Not the watered down swill that was, no joke, engineered for your grandmother’s taste buds. That’s right, I’m looking at you, Budweiser, Coors and Miller.
June 11, 2008 at 8:33 pm |
I meant Old Milwaukee and crap like that. Not the fine brews that you enjoy.
July 4, 2008 at 8:43 am |
You guys really show your ignorance or stupidity. Toby didn’t sing any of the songs you mentioned. He sang “LOVE ME IF YOU CAN” and the other one is “IF I WAS JESUS.” And what’s really sad is you don’t know the man at all. You don’t like his music fine but until you know the man, listen to him and see what he has done don’t say anything about him personally.
This site is a joke.
July 6, 2008 at 9:48 am |
It’s difficult to see others become famous, while collecting a pittance of $40. Maybe you could enjoy what you do, or maybe you can find someone who will get paid $40 bucks so t-shirts can be made of you. I hope that would make you feel better.
July 6, 2008 at 5:47 pm |
To Stephen, You are telling a story about Toby that happened 15 years ago. Years have passed, people change, except for you. A lot of artists, starting out are in awe of everything. Some, even some of the new ones, develope a different attitude, for a while. Over the years, Toby has grown, mellowed more and is not the same as when you met him. Maybe, you should have a one on one with him and you see the difference instead of holding on to something for all this time. I think it’s time to let it go.
This is to both og you. His fans are a lot of married women, single women, married and single men of all ages. They go to his concerts to listen to good music and see a great show. We are not the people you say we are. You have lumped us into one catagory because we are Toby fans. That is so wrong and narrow minded of you.
Are you just so jealous and insecure with your own manhood. Is that what makes you so nasty and bitter.
July 17, 2008 at 4:30 pm |
It seems like being a Toby Keith fan and having a sense of humor are mutually exclusive traits. These “Warriors” need to take a deep breath and find something else to be passionate about. I guess Toby Keith is the next logical step after you have collected every Beanie Baby there is…