A Confused Tulsan’s Formula for Street Repair Funds

Tune into any episode of “Cops” and one thing always occurs.  A drunken person is pulled over, staggers out of his car and claims innocence.

“So, how much have you had to drink tonight,” the cop asks.

“I’ve ‘only’ had one beer,” slurs the drunken man.  Then he pukes on his shirt and wets his pants. 

Cops aren’t always so lucky to catch a Giordano.  Most criminals would still lie while feces slid down their leg.

If the television show “Cops” has taught us anything, it is not to trust anyone that uses the word “only.”

Prepare yourself for another “only.”

The two proposed street repair packages will “only” increase taxes by … well, I’m not sure.  I don’t think anyone is.  I’m as confused as the innocent crack user on “Cops” that has no idea how the drugs got in his car.  Except in my case, I really am innocent.

“Only” makes me nervous.  We’ve had too many this year. PSO increased its rates “only” $17.50.  Property taxes increased “only” five percent a year.  Gas “only” increases $.10 at a time.

City proposals that become “only” are similar to word problems in math class:

Q.   If a bus travels 200 mph north, and a horse runs toward a barn on fire, how long will it take to for a coefficient of monkey to knit a sweater? 

A.  Hanson.

Whatever “only” figure we’re given, it will increase. 

I think I’ve cracked the city’s formula.  It’s ten easy steps.  This will give you the exact monthly tax increase needed to fix our roads.  Grab a sheet of paper.

1.  Take the proposed budget and double it.
2. To cover inevitable lawsuits, divide that number by 25 percent and add it to the total cost.
3. Eventually, the new road will be torn open to fix a broken water line.  Add $17 per square inch of broken water line you predict will be replaced.
4. Double your prediction and add it to the total.
5. Add another ten percent to cover city workers Post Traumatic Street Stress Disorder.
6. Increase the total cost by 20 percent if you’re in North, East or West Tulsa.  If you’re in South Tulsa, lower the cost by 20 percent.  If you’re rich and live in the Utica Square area, stop now.  This will not affect you because you’ve found loopholes to avoid paying taxes.  If you haven’t found loopholes, fire your accountant.  Everyone else continue.
7. Find the total population of Tulsa and subtract Utica Square residents.
8. Take the total cost from step six and divide by the remaining Tulsa residents.
9. Divide by 12.  This will give you an exact monthly total.
10. Finally, multiply the final number by the coefficient of monkey.

 A simple math problem for a simple solution.  Each us will “only” pay … well, I’m still not sure.

 

(Update 7/11/08 – PSO wants to increase rates again.  ”Only” nine percent.  To figure out the increase, multiply by the coefficient of monkey.)