Letter to the Editor #6 (Lost in Irritation Edition)

(The following reader needs advice with Family Dining, Daytime Date Nights, Grocery Touchers and Unprepared Morons.  They’re problems we’ve all faced.  I’ve offered my suggestions, but more solutions are needed.  Please help.)

Dear Irritated One,

I have a few things that I would like to present to you and your readers.

These are basically things that irritate me.

For starters I should let you know that my wife and I are a little on the antisocial side. In the sense that we try to avoid the masses, the long lines, the groups of loud obnoxious people, we don’t go shopping the first week of each month so that we can avoid the ghetto choo-choo train spending their welfare checks, we do our best to avoid the “churchies” on Sunday morning, etc.

1.  Family Dining

Last night we went out for dinner, at this particular establishment you are to seat yourself. So as usual, we pick a location that is as secluded as possible, not just because we wanted to be alone but also because we have an Autistic 3 year old who can be a scene-stealer.

The location that we chose was a bank of booths; we sat so that there were four empty booths in each direction from us. Shortly after we were seated and began our dining experience, a family of five came and sat in the booth directly behind us. To make matters worse I heard one of them mumbling under their breath about my son playing with his cars in the window seal of the booth where we were seated. To the people that know me, I am a teddy bear. However, when it comes to my son I can go from teddy bear to rabid grizzly in the blink of an eye. Now keep in mind that we went out of our way to seclude ourselves from other people so as to not inconvenience them with our presence. As usual, I end up biting my tongue so hard that it bleeds, so that I don’t cause a scene and embarrass my wife or worse go to jail.

2.  Daytime Date Night

There was also another incident not too long ago when my wife and I went to the first matinee showing of the day at a local theater. We figured the first showing of the day in the middle of the week would be a good time to see a movie without having to worry about some idiot talking on his cell phone or giving a play-by-play of the movie to the person sitting directly next to them, or even worse some asshole smacking gum so loud that I can hear it over the movie. I still haven’t seen the last half of Apollo 13 because security felt the need to escort me out of the theater for exacting revenge on the moron that decided to smack on his bubble-yum while I was trying to watch the movie. Anyhow, on this particular day we walked into the screening room assigned to the movie we paid to see and to our delight we were the only people in the entire place, it was as though there was a god that listened to our prayers. However, about thirty seconds before the movie began in walked three people. These three people sat one seat away from us. There had to have been at least four hundred other seats where they could have sat, but they felt the need to set next to us. So my question to you is why do people do that? Who the hell are these people that feel the need to invade the semi-privacy of others?

3.  Grocery Touchers

My next irritation is this. When I go shopping, I place my items in a neat manner on the conveyer belt when I check out. I even place them with like items to make it easier and sensible to bag. Such as freezer items together, produce together, etc. In my mind, these are my products, I have yet to pay for them, however once the item leaves the shelf and makes its way into my cart it is technically mine. After all, isn’t possession nine-tenths of the law? Anyhow, there are occasions when the person behind me in the check out isle feels the need to touch my items and move them. This drives me crazy! So, I ask you, who are these nut jobs that feel the need to touch everything? Are they so dissatisfied with their items that they must fondle my merchandise?

4.  Unprepared Morons

My last irritation is one that occurs to me on a daily basis. I work for a company whose name brand is connected with other major companies. On a daily basis people call asking for information about products that we distribute or for information on how to contact other companies that we are associated with. What drives me mad is when people call asking for information and are not prepared to receive it. I had a guy today call for very, very specific details on how to contact another company. When I began to give him the information he said “Hold on, I have to find something to write with.” I once again tried to strangle the person through my phone; however, that feature is not yet available from the company that provides us our phone service. I listened to this person riffle through countless drawers in whatever room they were in until they found a device to write with. So, I ask you, who are these people that are so unprepared? Has it never occurred to these people that preparation is a very important process in life?

Thank you for listening to the ramblings’ of a potential madman.

Any help you or your readers can impart on these situations would be helpful.

Signed,
Lost in Irritation

 

Dear Lost in Irritation,

You’ve come to right place.  I don’t consider myself the better person.  I rarely take the high road unless I believe the person will be more annoyed. Here are possible solutions:

1.  Family Dining

Next time you’re in a restaurant with your wife and son, take a small spray bottle filled with water.  If someone talks about your son, fake a sneeze and spray the bottle over the booth.

2.  Daytime Date Night

To solve the movie theater dilemma, move next to the person that chose to move into your personal space.  Reach over and grab a handful of their popcorn.  Before they have time to react, offer them a drink of your soda.  Be sure to say something that makes you sound completely insane.  “Drinky drinky,” or “Num nums?”  Trust me, they will move.

3.  Grocery Touchers

Grocery Touchers?  I’ve had the same problem.  Simply pick one of their items and throw it across the store.  Try to hit someone.  Look at person and say, “Doesn’t really feel nice to have your things touched, does it?”  The grocery toucher will yell at you.  The person you hit will think the person that is yelling threw the food.  Then, they’ll get beaten up.

4.  Unprepared Morons

The same person that has to find “something to write with” is the same person at the grocery store that starts to dig for their checkbook after everything is totaled.  They are called … it’s on the tip of my tongue … that’s right, morons.  When they come back on the line, say, “Hold on, I have find something to think with.”  Put the phone down.  Walk away. 

Sincerely,
Irritated Tulsan 

 

(Dear Readers, please add your additional advice in the comments section.  Lost in Irritation needs your help.  Thank you.)