Letter to the Editor #8 (Bicycle Edition)

Dear Irritated Tulsan,

I’m sick and tired of f***ing bikers and these damn bike clubs that ride all over our roads! They’re supposed to obey the same laws, but they don’t.  They run red lights and stop signs.  They ride their bikes anywhere they damn well please.  Why don’t they use the bike trails and stay off I-44?

I’ve been to the police two times about this, but they won’t do anything.  What’s your advice?

Signed,
            Hellfinger 

 

Dear Hellfinger,

I believe pedestrians and bicyclists should have the right of way, but only when I’m the pedestrian or bicyclist.  When I’m the driver, I believe I have the right of way.

I also hate double standards, unless it’s my double standard.

Soon we won’t have to worry about anyone on the roads.  They’re in such bad shape; they’ll be gone in a couple of years. 

Until then, I have some solutions to help weed out bikers:

1.  Attach a giant electromagnet to the back of your car.  Once the bicyclists are in your magnetic field, floor it and drive 100 mph out of town.  Not only will you take them far outside the city, you’ll cripple their legs for weeks.

2.  Fill your exhaust manifold with soiled diapers.  Drive at the pace of the bicyclist.  Be sure to stay at least two feet ahead.  Watch them fall one by one.  You can also claim this is a green solution.  Going “green” is in right now.  You’re recycling diapers, and your child’s exhaust.

3.  Throw meat at them.

4.  Replace the water in their water bottle with liquid meth.  It may not get them off the roads, but it’ll get them to their destinations faster.  That equals to less bike time on the road.

Signed,
            Irritated Tulsan