If anyone represents over-the-top glamour in the Metrosexual world, it’s Toby Keith. Few people can pull-off the sleek manscaped redneck over-nationalistic douche look, but Keith has done well. He leaves no crack or pit un-scaped.
Toby Keith shaves his armpits, supposedly to keep cool on stage. If that’s true, by now he would’ve shaved his blond Chia-head. A better solution to fight the heat is to retire and never be seen again.
The truth is he shaves his pits for one reason, beauty. You too can have the Toby Keith Metrosexual look by following these steps:
1. Diet
Fried food and beer. If you’re feeling adventurous, fried beer. On the wine list at Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar & Grill, you’ll find a Yellow Tail Shiraz that goes great with opossum.
2. Hair
Buy an American flag doo rag and place it on your scalp, directly above your eyebrows. The image of the Virgin Mary that may appear on your forehead because everything related to Toby is holy. The doo rag will cover this image. Take a crochet needle and pull lockets of blond hair out from under the doo rag. If you don’t have blond hair, buy a Barbie or steal the neighbor’s Barbie. The stolen Barbie can from a child or registered sex offender. It doesn’t matter. All you need is the hair. Cut the hair off and tuck the strands of Barbie hair into your doo rag. Top with a cowboy hat.
3. Shirts
Flannel is a classic that will give you the drunken uncle at a family barbecue look. Leave the top two and bottom two buttons undone. Expose just enough skin to tease TK Warriors and to cover your moobs. Sleeves must be ripped off to give the illusion your fans are grabby. Sleeveless flannel will accentuate your smooth armpits.
4. Pants
Pressed and ironed demin jeans only. Never wear slacks. Find a brand that emphasizes your package. I find Levi’s makes mine appear larger than it really is.
5. Exercise
Run around the yard and kick objects with your boots.
Remember, you are not Toby Keith. He is just a fashion icon for anyone without taste.
Special Thanks to Emily for the link to the People article.
December 30, 2008 at 3:31 pm |
These are all I will take to heart. First stop: Walmart!
- Emily
December 31, 2008 at 9:47 am |
I see Toby Keith and Larry the Cable Guy shop at the same clothing stores. Hmmmm. I wonder if Larry shaves his armpits too?
January 9, 2009 at 11:05 pm |
Will someone tell Toby for me that if he needs someone to shave his body for him, that I will volunteer to do it for free??????? With a massage as a chaser?????
January 9, 2009 at 11:19 pm |
I don’t personally know Toby, but I’ll get the word out to his warriors. I have to warn you though, they’ll probably say, “Get in line.”
January 23, 2009 at 4:31 pm |
My husband is probably like going to send you a Valentine or something. hahahaha
January 23, 2009 at 5:39 pm |
I look forward to it.
February 16, 2009 at 11:22 am |
Success says it all. You may not agree but he is what he is and does very well. By the way people who blog are losers, get a real life and go shave your arm pits!
February 16, 2009 at 11:30 am |
Will you shave them for me? I have no hands.
February 16, 2009 at 12:18 pm |
Why haven’t you accepted my friend request on facebook? I thought you loved me? What about our kids?
February 16, 2009 at 12:40 pm |
I have and will always love you my dear elsietee. Seriously, I’m new at Facebook. You’re added now.