Peanut Butter Diet
(By Francis)
First Fen-Phen, then the Country Cottage and now peanut butter. Why is the government so hell bent on keeping people overweight?
I’m not naturally a size two, I adore food. I find myself eating it several times a day, and portion control is not my bag. I finally found my stay-thin miracle in Locust Grove… then WHAM… gone. The Country Cottage restaurant was a godsend for me. It was the only all-you-can-eat restaurant that filled me up, then flattened my abs in the same trip. The wonderful people at Country Cottage discovered that the simple addition of a little e-coli in their delicious offerings caused rapid and significant weight loss.
I’m not the only one who took advantage of the discovery. Nearly 150 patrons reported significant weight loss after only one pass through the delectable Country Cottage buffet. That much success doesn’t go unnoticed. Soon the health department was shattering my dreams of guilt-free gorging, and shutting down my beloved eatery.
Recently, I thought the dark clouds had parted as the sunlight of salmonella appeared on the horizon. Sandwiches, cookies, sandwich cookies, and glorious candies made of recalled peanut butter became the staple of my diet. I was losing weight like a Country Cottage taste tester and saving hundreds of dollars a month in toilet paper. I was back on track to reach my weight loss goals until the FDA stepped in to “help.” I watched helplessly as my precious diet products were removed from the market.
The peanut butter recall wasn’t just difficult for me. This diet cured my friend “Kate’s” bulimia. She binged and purged for years until she discovered a PB&J could give her all the same results without any of the stigma. In fact, more than 400 people in 43 states had success with recalled peanut butter.
So, thanks a LOT government agencies! Way to promote obesity and perpetuate eating disorders in some crusade to protect us from ourselves. Guess what guys, the joke’s on you! Thanks to Hong Kong and online shopping, I still have my Fen-phen. Put that in your Countre-coli Cottage peanut butter bars and shove it up your a**es!
