From Beauty Essentials to Desperation

As a male, there aren’t many beauty treatments I need.  I’ve never had a manicure, I cut my hair the same style each month and if I’m out of underwear, there’s nothing wrong with Febreze.  The cost of beauty for females is immeasurable, except for when the credit card bill arrives.  

The recession has forced people to cut essentials.  Beauty should never suffer, especially outward beauty.  If you want to improve inward beauty, I don’t know, masturbate a blind person.

For the female readers, here are some beauty substitutions for you:

• On the Road Facials

To cut back on facial scrubs, lean your body out of the car while driving down the road and use the asphalt to smooth your face.  This will help unclog your pores since you will have none.

• Squirrel Tail Eyelashes

Drive through any neighborhood and you’ll find dead squirrels.  Their tails create perfect fake eyelashes.  Find a squirrel whose tail has been run over.  The tail goo creates an excellent epoxy that holds the eyelashes in place.

• Beauty Mark

To create that sexy mole above the corner of your lip, a simple tick will do.

• Collagen Lips

There are several ways to achieve plump lips.  The traditional method is to find someone to punch you in the face.  If you can’t find that’ll welcome battery charges, place your lips in the refrigerator door and slam it shut.  This will plump your lips, plus give you cool air to lessen the pain.  Another solution is to place Silly Putty between your lips and gums.  You can soak your Silly Putty in mouthwash overnight, for all-day fresh breath. 

• Suction Blush

To add color to your face without the added cost, have your significant other, parent or a registered sex offender place hickies on your cheeks.  Friends and relatives might find this request disturbing.  The registered sex offender won’t be disturbed.

• Pencil Sharp Manicures

In the privacy of your boss’ office, accomplish what your Asian Wal-Mart manicurist does each week.  Soak your fingers in a mild detergent and place them in an electric pencil sharpener for perfectly pointed nails.  However, if you cut too close and lose the nail, cover your fleshy nubs with White Out.

• Battery Wax

For that menopausal mustache, battery acid and a metal brush will remove unwanted hair. *Warning:  This can slightly dry out the skin.

• Permanent Makeup

For decades, Latin women have known the secret to sultry good looks is an exotic smoky eye, accentuated by perfectly sculpted brows.  Many women turn to permanent cosmetics, which is expensive and unnecessary.  Take a cue from the Hispanic community and use a fine-point Sharpie.  Sharpie lasts for days with improper hygiene and gives the user the ability to create precisely defined brows in a dramatic hue.  The best part is the Sharpie looks every bit as natural as tattooed brows.

• Botox

No need to visit a medical spa for botox.  Powerful botulism can be found in your grandmother’s cupboard.  Granny might be an amazing gardener, but she forgets to heat the Mason jars to preserve her green beans.  Grab the oldest jar in the pantry.   Open and strategically inject. 

 

(Written by Irritated Tulsan and Francis)