Budget Cut Proposals

Due to a projected $13 million shortfall, Mayor Kathy Taylor ordered city departments to cut 7 percent from next years budget. I plan to do my part and pay only 93 percent on my bills.

The biggest concern is the ribbon budget, which supports the giant scissor industry. Without giant scissors, Taylor can’t cut ribbons nor trim her bangs. We shouldn’t sacrifice one industry to save another.

Although they haven’t asked, fingers are crossed, Meeciteewurkor and I have a few ideas to balance Tulsa’s budget:

1. Tulsa Transhit

Instead of garbage trucks picking up trash, use the busses. The busses are mostly empty and can hold the extra baggage. The passengers should not notice the odor. If they do, a pine tree air-freshener will cover the smell.

2. Hair Care

The albino-transsexual look is not cheap, but Taylor makes it look easy. A couple of million could be trimmed, above and below.

3. Robotic Hoes

Use questionable sources of human labor, such as robots, instead of backhoes. Backhoes are too expensive to maintain and they’re loud. Illegal aliens, I mean robots, would only cost $1 per day. Many can be found plugged in at Martin East Regional Library or Kmart.

4. Breaking Trusts

Taylor has two types of photos: Angry Taylor and Groundbreaking Taylor. Angry Taylor photos are somewhat hilarious and enjoyed by her minions. Groundbreaking photos are a symbol of great things to come to public trust members. They’re used to justify the public trust’s existence. The number of shovels purchased each year can top the single digits. The excess shovels can be transferred to the Robotic Hoes department.

5. Oklahoma Jazz Hall of Fame

This isn’t part of the city’s budget, but I’m tired of the self-promoting celebrity wannabes whose only goal in life is to appear before an audience and donate their presence to us. Sponsors donate money so these people can eat cheese, drink wine and induct themselves into their own hall of fame. If their work ethic matched their inflated egos, they could fund twenty halls of fame.

6. Mainline Lakes

Extend the time to repair mainline leaks. It’s cheaper to let the water flow down the street. Water costs nearly nothing to make. Paying workers to repair the lines is very expensive. It makes good fiscal sense.  Plus and added bonus:  the parks department could stock the newly created shorelines with mutated arkansas river bass.  It would be good for tourism, because Oklahoma could increase their claim to “more shoreline” than any other state.

7. Career Points Recruits

Taylor’s assistants make up to $100,000 a year. The city shouldn’t recruit from Career Point. It is too expensive. Hire from a less prestigious 4-year university to lower payroll.

8. Cross-strained

Salaried employees can cross train to cover hourly employees. Once the hourly’s hit 40, a salaried can take over. For example, there is a hostage situation at Oklahoma Jazz Hall of Fame because the audience didn’t applaud Chuck Cissel. The police officer firing at the building runs out of hours. Mayor Taylor replaces the police officer and continues firing.

9. Embezzlement Amnesty

Libraries occasionally offer book amnesty for overdue books. Oklahoma allowed taxpayers with past-due tax bills to pay with no penalties. Under embezzlement amnesty, the city would allow the public works employees that padded their contracts, and their wallets, to return the stolen money. No questions asked. Otherwise, the audit will continue and Tulsa is bombarded with Angry Taylor photos.

10. Infills and Outfills

If Tulsa Transhit doesn’t work, citizens can dig their own backyard landfill. Tulsans can bury their own trash, which has multipurpose use. The sludge created from the personal landfill can fill the potholes on their street. I could be a warm and fuzzy community event:

“Hey George, wanna do potholes with the neighborhood this Saturday?”

“Yeah, Fred! I’ve got a good collection of moldy diapers ready for that!”

“You bring the shovels! I’ll bring the robotic hoes!”

(Written by Irritated Tulsan and Meeciteewurkor.)

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