10 Things I Hope Will Happen at the Jonas Brothers Concert
For thousands of underage girls, tonight will be their first visual orgasm. Much like my first visual orgasm when I discovered the JCPenney catalogue. (We didn’t have Internet in those days.)
The Jonas Brothers are in town, in all their clean-cut, purity-ring wearing and pubic-hair afro glory. Will my sister be there? No, she’s normal. I won’t be at the concert either, but if I were, I’d hope the following would happen:
10. Joe Jonas announces his candidacy as Ms. California … after revealing his upcoming gender reassignment surgery.
9. Denise Jonas spanks the audience for being “too slutty.”
8. Nick Jonas accidently loses his virginity after a stage diving mishap.
7. Virginity rings are tossed into the audience, which chokes dozens of girl and blinds others.
6. The audience’s screams puncture the Jonas Brothers eardrums, which finally gives them the ability to sing in tune.
5. In an attempt to appear edgy, Nick bites the head off a gummy bear.
4. During intermission, a commercial for a Jonas Brothers lotion, called “Hand,” broadcast on the Jumbro Tron.
3. While singing “Burning Up,” Nick spontaneously combusts. Not realizing this isn’t part of the show, 400 hundred teenage girls also spontaneously combust, believing that this is a new fad.
2. After stepping too close, Joe and Kevin become tangled in each others eyebrows.
1. A bonus Jonas falls out of Kevin’s pant leg.
The thing about the JOBRO is that how would you feel if half the people at your concert were there and didn’t want to be? Pass the booze. At 16 I think the bitching about how their parents screwed them out of all the money that the Disney didn’t. Hopefully they’ll make it to 30 and do the Loveboat/Indian Casino tour and still be able to feel like they are better than the cast of Different Strokes.