Solutions for Drillers Stadium

When ONEOK Field opens next year, Midtown will be the proud home of empty stadium, well, more empty than it is now.  Empty buildings lead to increased property value, neighborhood pride and less crime. No wait, that’s full buildings.

Our fearless Tulsa county leaders formed a committee to determine what to do with Drillers Stadium once it’s empty. Since committees can spend years debating over minute details that don’t matter, they may never decide what to do.

As usual, I have a few suggestions:

10.  Free Drillers Night Seating

Anyone who has been to free Drillers night knows that Tulsa’s underbelly comes out, in all their jack-o-lantern smiling, confederate-flag T-shirt wearing, mullet glory.  By leaving the free seats where they are now, it’ll save Tulsa some embarrassment from when travelers visit ONEOK Field.

9.  World’s Largest QuikTrip

Not just a gas station and not just a convenience store.  A giant restaurant to serve only QT’s finest offerings.  “Yes.  I’ll have the Barbecue Chicken Taquito, a side of donut and a Mountain Dew on the rocks.  Make that crushed rocks.”

8.  Newer Drillers Stadium

Our attention spans are short.  We will become bored with ONEOK Field after the first season.  Once ONEOK Field opens, a newer Drillers Stadium should be built in the same location as the current one.

7.  An “Event” Center

Except for the BOK Center, SpiritBank Center, Cain’s Ballroom, Brady Theater, Tulsa Event Center, Stokely Event Center, Silo Event Center, Boston Building Event Center, QuikTrip Center, Tulsa Convention Center, Rose Bowl Event Center, Union High School Event Center, Jazz Hall of Fame, or any hotel, college, or Tulsa Parks Community Center, there isn’t a decent location for a Star Trek Expo.

6.  Outdoor Indian Casino

Finally, a casino that won’t give me lung cancer.

5.  Gladiator Fighting

These gladiator fights will be like no other.  They will determine the future of Tulsa.  Anytime a Tulsa leader wants to make a change that makes no sense, they must fight a lion … or Biker Fox.

4.  Mike Gundy Hair Gel Factory

To keep with Gundy’s follicle demands, a factory is needed.  It will create jobs, stimulate Tulsa’s economy and keep our hair looking great.

3.  Relocate North Tulsa

North Tulsa needs development?  They need grocery stores?  Yes, but instead of waiting for businesses to invest in North Tulsa, it makes more sense to bring North Tulsa to where the businesses are.  Drillers Stadium is across the street from Target, Reasor’s and fine nude dining.

2.  Public Daycare Center

For only $5 a day, you can drop your child off at Drillers Daycare Center.  Due to the high fences, mesmerizing billboards and Hornsby, you never have to worry about losing a child.  For added security, a small electric current, to render the child unconscious, can flow through the fence.

1.  Museum of Wasteful Spending

Many see ONEOK Field as a waste of money.  The Drillers Stadium could become a museum to showcase wasteful spending; such as paving over Bell’s Amusement Park, failed river campaigns or Jerry Giordano’s gynecologist.