State Fair Safety Dos & Don’ts

When the State Fair is in town it’s not about how many calories you consumed or remembering where you left your baby, it’s about safety.

Spending time with your wife and kids, or secret girlfriend and her kids, is quality bonding time that shouldn’t be ruined by an unsafe environment.

Keep an eye out for the following safety dos.  The more you know, the more you’ll be prepared.

• Look for rides with broken safety belts, cracked seats and missing bolts.  It’s reassurance the ride has been tested and granted to not fail.

• After you eat a deep-fried item, use the stick to poke a hole in your side.  This will allow the oil to drain.

• If you’re into Carnies, only date the ones that are missing all of their teeth.  French kissing is easier when only gums are involved.

• Don’t forget nutrition.  Eat plenty of fried fruits and vegetables.

• Wear proper attire.  Mesh half-shirts, cut-off shorts and crocks are comfortable state fair wear.  You earned that hairy gut.  Show it to the world because you’re the hottest Couger around.

• Swing the chairs on the Sky Ride.  It’s fun to make children cry.

• If you throw your bra onstage, make sure it sticks.

• Have an antique picture taken of the whole family in western wear.  They’re classy and will give your children reasons to resent you for years to come.

• Remember, games on the Midway are not rigged.  You simply have no talent.

• Don’t refer to the musical acts as “Has-Beens.”  They prefer “Pre-Mortis Entertainers.”

• Stand behind the meteorologist during a live weather report and wail your arms as if you’re having a simultaneous seizure/stroke/orgasm.  Meteorologists love that.

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