10 Disturbing Products or Services That Walmart Could Carry

Walmart has moved into the business of death.  Not only do they want to bring us everyday low prices while we’re alive, they plan to bring us savings from beyond.  The company’s Web site has started selling caskets.  If they decide to carry them in stores, hopefully they’ll be adjacent to the fertilizer.

I don’t want to be buried in Sam’s Choice.  I find it disturbing.  However, if Target starting selling caskets, that would be fine.  Archer Farms sounds more peaceful.

Other than caskets, there are several other disturbing products or services that Walmart could carry.

10.  Children

Anyone who’s worked with child protective services has learned it’s much easier to adopt overseas.  That’s why Asian adoptions are popular.  Walmart could adopt out the unproductive children from Asian sweatshops.  It’s a valuable reworking of resources.

9.  Taxidermy

Poor Fluffy died.  While you pick up that prescription, shop for a new outfit and buy  groceries for dinner, have you lost loved-one turned into a mantel piece, doorstop, paperweight or pencil sharpener.

8.  Tattoos

Tattoos are elegant, especially giant eagles across your back.  They’re also a sign of a commitment.  Unfortunately for many us, they’re too expensive.  Walmart has their own beauty and nail salons.  A tattoo parlor is a natural fit.  Plus, if there’s an infection, the pharmacist can assist.

7.  Birthing Centers

Minimal pushing here.  The Walmart conveyor belts allows for excellent traction as the rubber latches onto your baby’s scalp and gently pulls the child out of your womb.

6.  Vanilla Ice Box Sets

Garth Brooks shipped exclusive releases to Walmart.  So did KISS with their three-CD package Sonic Boom.  To regain the respect he had for those two weeks in the early 90s, Vanilla Ice could release his new music exclusively to Walmart.  Then, beat up Miley Cyrus.

5.  Customer Sensitivity Training

For not only the “associates” who are bitter that they’ve spent the past 10 years at Walmart, but for those customers that shift from pleasant shoppers to angry bitch-trogs within seconds.  Best described in Victor’s post, Walmart Sponsors Karen Convention.

4.  Dentures

Walmart offers $4 prescriptions.  With a pair of pliers and a tube of caulk from a heavily stocked hardware department, they could offer $4 tooth extraction and dentures.

3.  Snatchbox

Similar to Redbox, only cream colored and with porn.

2.  Lasik Eye Surgery

For only $1 per socket, place your eye into the machine located between Redbox and Snatchbox.  There will be a slight warming sensation, followed by excruciating pain.  You’ll want to pull your adrenalin-filled body off this machine as you feel the acidic burn of your eyelid’s outer shell.  Next, as the corneal tissue melts you’ll notice a feeling of sticky gristly tears run down your cheek.  Whatever you do, make sure your family does not unplug the machine as you scream, “Unplug it!  Unplug it!”  These side effects are perfectly normal.

1.  Strap-Ons

Save Money.  Pound Better.  Walmart.