Tornado Fashion Survival Kit
Tornado sirens blare. You take shelter. The sounds of waterfalls and jet engines hit your roof. Glass breaks. Wood cracks. You close your eyes and wait for it to pass. Finally, the sirens wind down and the winds calm. You step out of your shelter to find your home and garden gnome collection gone. One thought races through your head, “What am I going to wear?”
A disaster is not the time to be thankful for what you have. You should have been thankful before you lost everything.
A disaster is the time to shine because news stations from around the country will be in your town. You need to dress for it.
You probably have a radio, flashlight and bottled water handy, but did it ever occur to you to pack for a television appearance? Probably not.
What you need is a Tornado Fashion Survival Kit.
Here is a list of essentials for men and women:
1) Edible Underwear – You need underwear, and you need food. If Red Cross or FEMA hasn’t arrived, and you’re hungry, munch on your undies. It’s an easy-access snack. Just reach in your pants and tear off a piece.
2) A Dark Solid Top – People in dark colors look more flattering on television. The rubbing off of dirt and rubble onto your clothing not be as evident. Avoid stripes. If you do choose stripes, use horizontal stripes. They are slimming and will help you get more free food.
3) Leather Pants - Same rules apply. Wear horizontal stripes. They will also help you move more smoothly through the rubble.
4) Pumps for Women; Boots for Men – Lifts your legs and creates a slimmer look. Once again, more free food.
5) Necklace - This will draw attention up toward your face. Less will be on the disaster that surrounds you.
6) Moisturizer – There will probably be a water shortage. Keep you skin smooth with a good moisturizer.
7) Eye Drops – Look alert and refreshed.
Makeup should be applied before the tornado hits. Use your time in the shelter to get dressed. You only get one chance to make a first impression.
Skip deodorant, toothpaste and soap. No one watching can smell you. They can only see you.
Also, watch your on-camera etiquette. Lose the “Larry the Cable Guy” accent when you appear on camera. Don’t say, “We was,” “I were,” or “my windows were blowed out.”
Don’t say phrases like “I’m just happy no one was hurt,” or “We’re lucky to be alive.” Too cliché, and not one buys it.
For the next 20 years, you will appear on anniversary news stories, and basic cable clip shows that begin the phrase, “The World’s Most.”
It’s all about disaster presentation.
Enjoy your moment.
The picture at the top is perfect! Great work!
After the storm hits and the cameras are rolling, jump in front of the camera for an interveiw before they talk to the 300 lb. woman with no bra or the man in greasy overalls with no teeth! That’s the ones they will show on national television. We are the only Oklahoma some people see!
When someone takes a picture of you standing in front of the tornado, don’t look at the tornado and don’t smile. Slowly walk away, kinda like how cool guys in movies don’t look at explosions.
The best comment I ever heard after a tornado in eastern Oakliehomie was, and I quote “I thought I was gonna die . . . or worse!” What? Or worse? It seems like they always get the best person to make comments on the news.
We should all make sure we use the “Sounded like a freight train” line when interviewed. Of course this line is best delivered with that “Larry The Cable Guy” accent.