Tornado Survival Tips
May 17, 2010
If there’s one benefit when a tornado hits a city versus a small town, it’s the pool of interviewees. The local news needs good sound bites in their stories. Unfortunately, the type of person willing to speak on camera is usually the type who “seed the tornado comin’ from thar.”
“Seed” is the past tense of “see” in redneck.
Another benefit is that the meteorologist can tell us exactly what street the tornado is on. Because of that technology, we tend to take storms less serious in the city and forget our tornado safety tips. Before a tornado strikes, know how to protect yourself.
- If you’re in your car, do not attempt to outrun the tornado. Pull to the curb and watch the twister from the safety of your metal coffin. As the tornado approaches, honk your horn. Tornadoes scare easily and will rush back into the clouds.
- In addition to disaster preparedness supplies, keep a checklist of relatives you do not want warned about the storm. Post it securely in the basement.
- If you are outside, in a mobile home or on the down-low, do not lie flat in a ditch. In the event you have an exciting story to tell the local media, you’ll want to remain clean.
- Quickly create a Facebook group called, “I’m about to Die from This Tornado.” Give yourself a “Like.”
- If you find yourself in a barn and unable to reach the storm cellar, tie yourself to a gas meter with your belt. Winds strong enough to push a stick through a brick wall cannot fight the power of genuine leather.
- If the meteorologist reassures you that there are no tornadoes and the blaring tornado siren is due to high winds, go back to sleep.
- If you’re in a high-rise building and don’t have time to move to the lowest floor, stay put. Why bother leaving now?
- If a tornado damages homes in Turley, immediately contact an appraiser. Property values should improve.
- If you’re in an elementary school, go to the nearest hallway and assume the crouching tornado protection position (pictured above) with hands clasped behind the neck. By ignoring the tornado, it will become bored and pass over the school.
- Stop, drop and rollover if needed.
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7 Comments
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One error. The present, past and future tense of see is seen for all rednecks. They have no concept of the existence of the work saw aside from the gory movies with that as their title.
I will agree and disagree. While “seen” is used often, “seed” is the proper past tense for rednecks.
One of our news station sent a meteorologist to be with the storm chasers in Oklahoma last week so he could “seed” tornados up close and personal. I guess they wanted to learn first hand on how to alert us to #6.
Meant to say “stations” not station.
I seeded that on one of the national news stations, but after the “thar” he also said “from out of my winder.”
I figured he might have been a little too skeered and filled his drawers being the city folk he is, so Ise could see him lookin at it from out his winder.
YES!
Whenever the national news leads with a story about “tornadoes tearing across the heartland” I don’t even have to turn the sound up. If there is a shot of someone with fat arms and an undershirt, I immediately announce “Honey, there’s been a tornado in Oklahoma!”
It is so good to see one’s DNA pool on TV, whatever the circumstance.