Acceptable Child Abuse of the Past
Between radiation (Atomic Energy Lab) and fatal injuries (Clackers), no one is sure how children lived past the 1970s.
Looking at some of these products that were targeted with kids in mind, one may wonder if cancer or the occult were the ultimate goal. What we do know is that these were once acceptable. Although today, they might be considered abuse and your child would become a ward of the state.
Theses may not be sold any longer, but they’ll always live in the child abuse of the past.
10. Balls Protect Children
Seat belts and mom’s horizontally flying arm may hold children in place, but offer little in eye protecting. Remove the seat belt to allow your child’s skull to gently smash into the metal dashboard. Little rubber balls save lives.
9. Metal Slide
The challenge of this slide was to quickly dive into the water to soothe the third-degree burn. Perfect for bullies and older brothers.
8. Séance
Fun for the entire family, living and dead. Still, not as popular as Demonopoly or Stabble.
7. Sun Lamp
Give your newborn a good base tan before giving them skin cancer the natural way.
6. The Rifleman
This program starred Chuck Conners as a widower. The assumed premise is that the mother died during childbirth. Actually, she died during conception.
5. Woman Loves Boy
In the 70s we called this rape. Today she’s known as a “Cougar.”
4. Chubbies
…because who needs that pesky self-esteem ruining your dreams.
3. Asthma Prevention
Remember, only allow children older than 6 years old to smoke, and preferably after two hours under the sun lamp.
2. Public Displays of Un-Affection
He never struck him before, after or during the photo shoot. Seconds later, a car hit the father and son. The driver swerved to miss the bike. They both died painful deaths. Fortunately, they were covered by Liberty Mutual.
1. Scouts in Bondage
“I’m sorry, Jimmy can’t come out and play. He’s tied up at the moment.”
Okay lets examine #5. In the 70′s, Me and your mom were high school sweethearts. Although she is a year older than me, and I was under age, her sentence for my rape was “Marriage” We had you. Then your brother. Then we split. But we both found our soul mates, and actually I think me and your mom have made peace with each other, and you have two wonderful loving sets of step families. I know this sounds sappy. Now lets play this situation out in today’s society. She would have been put in prison for raping me, and live out a miserable life. I would have been placed on a couch, and brainwashed into thinking how horrified I should “feel” from this hateful mean old woman raping me, and instill into me the fear of being with another women the rest of my miserable life. Your brother wouldn’t be. Our soul mates would still be wondering the streets with miserable lives. You would have been born in prison, and put up for adoption for some millionaire to raise, and give you the most fabulous life that money can buy. Now which would you prefer? A meaningless middle class blogging life, with riches of love. Or a rich beyond your means life, with the love of everything money can buy.
In the “Rifleman” poster why is that little boy hold wood right in front of Chuck Conners crotch? Why is Chuck Conners smiling?
He he. You said, “wood.”
Groovulous a Atomic Energy Lab Kit! I want one!