25 Festivals to Replace Dfest (Afest through Zfest)

Artists and fans of independent music finally got their answer of who will play at this year’s Dfest.

Nobody.

It has been canceled.  Officially, it’s on “hiatus.”

However, there is still time to salvage the July 30 weekend with an equally exciting festival.  We may not have Dfest this year, but there are 25 other alphabet-worthy festivals Tulsa could host:

AmberFest

Thousands of children are set loose in Downtown Tulsa.  Frantic parents desperately search for their child.  Who will find them first:  scared parents or out-on-bond pedophiles?

Sponsored by: Certs.

BPFest

British Petroleum’s annual Spilling-of-the-Oil festival.  This year’s destination:  the Arkansas River.  Bring the whole family and a bottle of Dawn dish-washing liquid to scrub clean Canadian geese, rats and hobos.

Sponsored by: PSO.

CannibusFest

Just like Dfest, minus the music.

Sponsored by: Frito-Lay,
Pepsi,
Duncan Hines,
Betty Crocker,
Whataburger,
Joe Momma’s Pizza,
Budweiser,
and Terrance Trent Darby.

EgoFest

Learn how to request more money for your department while slashing city budgets. Don’t speak your mind, unless you agree.  The mayor’s wife isn’t a fan of opposing opinions. Panelists include:  Victoria Bartlett and a mirror.

Sponsored by: Facebook.

FurloughFest

Empty booths and empty streets.  No one is working this festival.  Very cost-effective.

Sponsored by: SpiritBank.

GlockFest

Tulsa’s only outdoor gun show.  Seminars include:  “Proper Drive-By Shooting Techniques,” “Your Gun’s Caliber and You,” and “Knitting.”

Sponsored by: Chicken Hut.

HamFest

Celebrate the history of meat… What?  There already is a HamFest?  Amateur radio enthusiasts in Claremore?  Have they not heard of iPods?  How stupid.

Sponsored by: KTUL.

IditarodFest

Race through Downtown Tulsa as dogs drag your sled, or mattress, through the hilly streets.  Feel your mullet sway in the breeze as you spit tobacco through your missing tooth.

Sponsored by: Khol’s.

JackassFest

Tulsa’s worst drivers; which were featured here, here and here; converge in one area to do us all a favor… smash into each other.

Sponsored by: 5-Hour Energy.

KwanzaaFest

The purpose of this festival is to see who attends.  Not one black person I know celebrates Kwanzaa.

Sponsored by: Jim Glover

LiceFest

Receive free antibiotics to fight that nasty fungus in your nether region.  Watch the latest in crab removal.  Free swabs to the first 1,000 attendees.

Sponsored by: Midtown Adult Theater.

NinjaFest

Look around.  Do you see ninjas?  No.  Then, they’re doing their job.

Sponsored by: Finest Kind Harpoons.

MasterBaiterFest

A celebration of the fisherman in you.

Sponsored by: Worms.

OralFest

Everything Oral, may he rest in peace.

Sponsored by: ORU.

PETAFest

Sweet barbecued and smoked meat from the finest endangered species.

Sponsored by: Heinz.

QuasiEmoFest

Finally, an acceptable place where heterosexual boys, who enjoy dressing like girls in skinny jeans, can cut themselves.

Sponsored by: River Spirit Casino.

RicolaFest

Two groups stand on opposite ends of downtown and scream “Ricola!”

Sponsored by: Halls.

SnuggieFest

A sneak peak at next year’s blanket-with-sleeves line:  Snuggie for Gerbils, Snuggie for Fetuses and Snuggie for Idiots.

Sponsored by: Massengill.

TentCityFest

Enjoy a wet bar of tiny mouthwash bottles.  Dine in Tulsa’s finest dumpsters.  Celebrate freedom as you sleep outdoors among Tulsa’s unwealthiest residents.

Sponsored by: Listerine.

Uberfest

One giant festival that combines Mayfest, Oktoberfest, Festival Hispano, Greek Holiday Festival, Green Country Whine Festival, Tulsa Pride Festival, Juneteeth, the Tulsa State Fair and every event in Oklahoma to a three-day Armageddon-style festival.

Sponsored by: SouthCrest Hospital.

VirtualFest

Similar to Farmville, but without losers.

Sponsored by: MySpace.

WorkingHardorHardlyWorkingFest

Simply an excuse to shoot the next person who asks me that question.

Sponsored by: Smith & Wesson.

XanaxFest

Similar to CannibusFest, but for TYPros (Tulsa Young Professionals).

Sponsored by: Tulsa Ballet.

YawEnoFest

The best festival of all time.

Sponsored by: The City of Tulsa.

ZachMorrisPhoneFest

Relive your favorite Saved by the Bell memories with your 20-pound brick-sized cell phone.  Learn how to freeze those around you.

Sponsored by: Clairol.

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