Grand Lake Safety Tips

The Grand River Dam Authority has warned people not to swim nor ski in Grand Lake due to an outbreak of blue-green algae.

This variety of algae is toxic.  It can cause respiratory infections, vomiting and diarrhea.  Followed by (in order) jazz hands, loss of muscular coordination, coma, death and reanimation.

Jim Inhofe believes he became ill after swimming in the lake.  I suspect it might be the other way around.

Despite the warnings, Mary Fallin encouraged lake-goers to visit the lake during the July 4th weekend.  She’s concerned about the economic impact of the water issue.  Guess what else tends to have negative impacts?  Death.

Although the holiday weekend has passed, summer has just begun.  There are several months of hot Oklahoma weather left to visit a lake that you shouldn’t swim in.  If you do go into the water, here are some helpful tips to make the outing safe and fun:

1. Learn to swim.  The swirling motion of your arms will push the blue-green algae safely to the side.
2. Unattractive swimmers should take precautions to not post Facebook photos of themselves holding a beer can while drunk.
3. Pay close attention to local weather conditions.  Stop swimming at the first sign of the Apocolypse or during snow.
4. Develop a float plan.  Encourage friends or relatives that you dislike to give you details about where they will be and how long they will be gone.  If an emergency should arise, you can delay contacting help and rid the world of those soulless heathens.
5. If your children go near the water, ignore them.  You let them run wild through your house and Walmart. Why start paying attention now?
6. Lake covers should always be removed prior to lake use.
7. If using a boat, ensure the life jacket is the appropriate size and right fit for the cooler.
8. Food bags should be hung a minimum of 10 feet above the ground to prevent the blue-green algae from moving onto land.  If the algae does move toward your tent or camper, shoo it away.
9. Bring along extra safety items such as bottled water, flashlights, a cell phone and condoms.
10. If your skin comes in contact with the blue-green algae: Stop, Drop and Rollover.

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