The ‘Don’t Be a Slut’ Theory
Anyone who is at risk of major illnesses; such as cancer, Alzheimer’s or the crazies; can worry earlier in life thanks to home-DNA testing kits.
It’s called Identigene DNA Paternity Test Collection Kit, but it’s not really marketed for early detection. It’s marketed for late detection.
For $29.99, you can swab the mouth of your child, the mouth of the potential baby daddy and mail the sample to a secret lab. It’s a spit-based method for DNA identification. This may confuse some users because spit-based methods don’t normally result in pregnancy.
“Her sister’s baby daddy was the father! YEYYY!!! ,” “… the results were in with good news!!!!! I wasn’t the daddy!” and “I’m still not clear on what these sores are” are some of the reviews from the Walgreens Web site.
Rather than go through the trouble of DNA home-testing, which I’m sure Walmart will soon offer in bulk, I may have a better solution. It’s called the ‘Don’t Be a Slut’ Theory.
Sexy vixen scientists, such as those seen on Castle or the many CSIs, hypothesize that if you’re less slutty, the chances of becoming pregnant decrease.
Scientists also report a link between using birth control and questions of paternity. Couples who used condoms were less likely to need a DNA test. Couples who smelled of vodka, repeatedly smooshed their genitals in the back bedroom without protection and watched Maury Povich were more likely to need a DNA test.
Still, the reason why irresponsible uneducated heathens can pop out children like lawn sprinkles versus couples who would make great parents and truly want a child and cannot get pregnant is not known.
Researchers hope to publish their findings in either the New England Journal of Medicine or Highlights for Kids.
If you go to Sams I bet you can buy it in bulk.
While I agree with you that more responsible behavior would preclude the need for at-home paternity tests, I wish you had made your point differently. The last thing the world needs is more slut-shaming, which tends to punish women for their sexuality while ignoring or rewarding male promiscuity. Maybe further comment on this topic could be titled the “use protection theory” or even the “sleeping around probably isn’t a great call theory” or the “truth or consequences theory.” But please, please remember that 1) it takes two to tango and 2) there are legitimate reasons some women may seek a paternity test.
Men are sluts too.
I was just gonna say that!
I should have also included a P.S. Something like, “P.S. You know this is a joke, right?”
You’ve been warned before about indicating when you are serious and when you are joking. This is your second warning.
What?! That was a little out of left field! Perhaps 7:01 a.m. is a little early? By the way, the disclaimer at the bottom of the page indicates how much of this you should take seriously.
This whole thing is typical I.T., but Yogi, you cracked me up!
Hope you keep writing, I.T. A few days ago I need the laughs…thank you!
The word s/h been “needed” as in “I needed to proof what I wrote before hitting ‘post comment’ this morning.”
If you’ve not seen the film Idiocracy I’d highly recommend it on the basis of your views expressed in the article.