Happy Mother’s Day.

I’m sure my mother is proud.

(Michelle Duggar is pregnant with her 18th child.)

            Bridges in Oklahoma have been neglected to the point that you would think DHS was in charge of our roads.

            That is not the case.  DHS neglects children, not bridges.  ODOT can at least claim fewer children deaths.

            To take a trip on any Tulsa highway is to take a trip to a wonderful land of ingenuity. 

           On one bridge you will see the beautiful blue tarps that gently capture the falling pieces of concrete.  On another bridge, you will find the silver metallic glory of chicken wire.  No need for tarps on that bridge.  The concrete pieces are large enough to be held with chicken wire.

            According to the Oklahoma Department of Transportation, I-244 bridge over the Arkansas River has a lower rating than the bridge that collapsed in Minneapolis.

            ODOT Director, Gary Ridley, said replacing or rehabilitating the bridge should not start until after the widening of I-44 is finished in 2013.

            In government years, 2013 translates to 2146.

            Until then, it’s time to bring in the next level of ingenuity … Billy Mays.

            Billy Mays is the infomercial salesperson that has made millions screaming out of your television sets.  You may know his work from the catchphrases:   “Hi Billy Mays here for Oxyclean,” “Hi Billy Mays here for Orange Glow,” or “Hi Billy Mays here for Self Abortion Kits.”

            Ok, I made the last one up.  Mays has a huge following, and I don’t want his fans going all Toby Keith on me.  The last thing I need is someone to be upset because I’ve insulted their masturbation material.  His MySpace fan club page does have 37 members.

            One of the more recent products Mays has pushed is Mighty Putty.  It is a substance that can be used to seal leaks, cracks and other repairs.

            I believe bridges fall under “other repairs.”

            The Mighty Putty Web site lists the surfaces Mighty Putty will work on, which includes concrete.  “CONCRETE” is listed in all caps.  How can it not work?

            It is simple.  Cut, activate and add to bridge.

            If Mighty Putty can pull an 80,000-pound trailer, it can fix our bridges.   Plus, if we order now, we can get a bottle of Oxyclean for free.  It can be used to remove graffiti.

            The only catch is, Mighty Putty costs $19.99.  There is nowhere in the budget for that kind of money. 

            A bond will be passed and property taxes will increase 50 percent.

It’s the 4th week anniversary of Yaw Eno!  The drive-by edition!

Just to clarify, the following photos are examples of how the sign should be displayed.

(Holy crap!  Look at Catoosa’s high temperature.)

Dear Irritated Tulsan,

I’m sure you are aware of our local weather Nazis cutting into regular programming all the time when the wind gets above 15mph or there is water on a roadway. I am interested in your take on this and what solutions you can offer.

Sincerely,
Meeciteewurkor

Dear Meeciteewurkor,

I think I have a solution that is a win-win for everyone.  It is an exchange program between the local news and the viewer.   For every minute of programming that is interrupted to tell us there is mist in the air, a cloud in the sky, the potential for dangerous storms or bowling ball sized hail, is a minute the viewer gets to interrupt the news. 

Here’

s how it works:           

1)    Meteorologist warns us of deadly raindrops.

2)    Lost, The Office or any other great program is interrupted.

3)    The number of minutes is totaled and given back to the viewer.

4)    Each viewer can cash in their minutes and interrupt the news.

So let’s say KTUL cuts into Lost and 50,000 people were watching.  Lost is on for one hour.  Each viewer can now reclaim those minutes and interrupt KTUL’s news broadcast.  Sixty minutes per person would total 3 million minutes owed to the viewer.  That equals 273 weeks we’

re allowed to interrupt the news.  A little more than five years.  (If we only count the 10 p.m. broadcast.)

When I redeem my minutes, I’m going to broadcast strip poker from a nursing home or shaving my back with a lid from a tuna can.  I can’

t think of anything more painful to watch than 300 photos of ice or the floating space weather desk on FOX 23.

I would also like to help Toby Keith pen a new protest song called, “Broken Weather, Angry Rain.”

(Disclaimer - The only exception to this proposal is during a tornado.  I need my Julie Chin to let me know everything will be fine.)

     Road rage isn’t limited to roads.  Sometimes, drivers are more irritating once they park.  Below are print-and-go cards for you to use.  The next time you’re in a parking lot and annoyed at any of the situations below, place one of these under their windshield wiper:

(For the person who takes two parking spaces.)

(For the person who parks in the disabled parking spots.)

(For the person who parks wherever they damn well please.)

(Fake News.  Satire.)

     To reverse declining sales, Mattel plans to manufacture a line of lead-produced toys.

     The new line of toys, called Saturnism, will be made of 100 percent lead.

     Mattel recalled more than 20 million toys in 2007 because of lead paint.

     “Since we’re being upfront and honest about this line of toys, there won’t be any recalls,” said Mario Q. Bert, Mattel CEO.

     Planned toys include:  Lead Patch Kids, Magic Lead Ball, Toxicity-in-a-Box, Doremic the Anemic, Leadgo and American Girl: The Renal Failure Collection.

     “We originally considered marketing these products to disabled children,” Bert said. “We figured lead toys couldn’t make them any worse.”

     According to information leader Wikipedia, lead can cause nausea, abdominal pain, irritability, insomnia, metal taste in mouth, excess lethargy, hyperactivity, headache, seizure, coma, constipation, diarrhea, vomiting, poor appetite, weight loss, anemia and blue lines along the gums.

     Parents are unsure about the benefits of the Saturnism line.

     “On one hand, I praise their honesty,” said Dakota Preston, mother.  “On the other hand I worry about the effects of lead on my children.  On my third hand, I realize lead never hurt me growing up.”

     The Saturnism line will be in stores this fall.  Look for the “Saturnism” sticker on the boxes.

     “Lead has gotten a bad rap in the media lately,” Bert said.  “We want to make lead fun again.”

           Tulsa County District Judge Jesse Harris has been charged with two counts of indecent exposure.

            According to Harris’ ex-girlfriend, Kali Nolen, Harris opened his bible belt and released his anaconda.

            This breed of anaconda is a member of the trouser snake.  It prefers warm moist environments and can stretch up to 10 inches when fully erect.

            Anacondas enjoy eating fish.  They stretch their mouths around the head, swallow and work toward the feet.

            Once you’ve tasted, felt and used an anaconda, can it really be indecent exposure for you to see it again?  Isn’t this along the line as those people who sue McDonald’s for being fat?

            Once you’ve swallowed the product, you’re stuck with the consequences.

            The real indecency here is to cry victim after three-years of cave dwelling.  I doubt seeing your ex-boyfriend’s snake is traumatic, unless it is so huge your cave now has post-traumatic stress disorder.

            If anyone should be upset, it should be Judge Donald “Penis Pump” Thompson.  If your unit is named “anaconda,” you’re most likely hung.  If you use a penis pump, you most likely need help in the meat department.

            One man’s legacy:  Hung.  Another man’s legacy:  Sad.

            If I were Harris, I’d watch my back.  Thompson was released Tuesday.

            He may have a bone to pick with you.

I can’t decide if this getting funnier, or more sad.

(Available at Shirts by Barbara.)

Apparently, not everyone appreciates my jab at Toby Keith. I’ve talked about white-trash at Wal-Mart, fisting against abuse and polygamist reality shows.  Toby Keith is a natural fit.  Read below:

That is really very unkind putting it midly! VERY VERY poor taste! Glad I don’t read this paper.

barbpj@sbcglobal.net

Dear Barbara,

Since you obviously lack a sense of humor, I’m also glad you don’t read this paper.  And by the way, this isn’t a paper.  This is called a blog.  And that glowing box the letters are coming from, is called a monitor. I suppose I shouldn’t expect anyone who gradeated, or at least bought, Honkytonk University to understand the purdee glowin’ box.

Thank you for writing in,
Irritated Tulsan

Everyone else who got the joke:

Stephen wrote, “I think you have a great idea…….Toby Keith….what an arrogant ass that guy is!”  

True, Stephen.  So true.

Blakewl said, “Best blog I’ve read in a while. You really are a talented writer, presenter and visual arts expert. You must have had excellent professors and peers. Keep up the GOOD WORK, Irritated Tulsan! Go F**K yourself, San Diego.”

Blake obviously has great taste in literature, and knows a talented artist when he sees one.  And by the way, I have awesome peers.  Two in particular.

And finally, I think Amy summed it up best, “I agree with Barbara. If I saw a 50-foot Toby Keith I would be very offended as well. Barbara, thanks for standing up for the overly-nationalistic, red-neck multi-millionaire. You’ve got guts. Oh and by the way, since you don’t seem to pick up on this subtlety, THIS IS SARCASM!”

Well put Amy.

     California Department of Transportation runs a campaign called “Slow for the Cone Zone.”  It is a public awareness campaign to lower the number of collisions in construction zones.

     Oklahoma Department of Transportation has started a similar campaign cleverly titled “Slow for the Cone Zone.”  Fifty-three ODOT workers have been killed because of work zone accidents.

     Could we not come up with a better campaign?

     There is an alternative to the “Slow for the Cone Zone” campaign that Oklahomans would understand, and slow down for.  It’s called for “Slow for the Toby Zone.”

     Instead of small “Slow for the Cone Zone” signs that nobody will pay attention to, what we need is a 50-feet tall cutout of Toby Keith’s head. 

     The head could be placed on the lanes next to the construction zone and drivers must drive through the mouth of Toby Keith.

     Once inside the mouth, drivers will travel down a long tunnel to the frightening brain of Toby Keith:

     Some of the features of “Slow for the Toby Zone” would be:

     1)    Horses drinking beer.

     2)    Angry Americans.

     3)    A picture window of people eating in Toby Keith’s I Love this Bar & Grill restaurant.    

     4)    A drunk Whiskey Girl, with no teeth.

     5)    An audio clip of “I Wanna Talk About Me,” skipping like a broken record.  “I wanna talk about meh-I      wanna talk about meh-I wanna talk about meh-I wanna talk about meh.”

     6)    A giant oil painting of Toby Keith on a fur rug saying, “Who’s Your Daddy?”

     7)    And finally, Natalie Maines of the Dixie Chicks will sign autographed copies of her FUTK (Friends United in Truth and Kindness) fashion line.

     The Shock’n Y’all value of Toby Keith’s mind will force drivers to slow down.  It could also encourage drivers to find alternate routes and stay away from construction zones.

     Construction crews are safe, and we avoid Toby Keith’s mind.

     Everyone wins.